


Wreck My Plans

by t15



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28643355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t15/pseuds/t15
Summary: It’s senior year and April has to be more perfect than ever before. College applications are due soon so not only is her entire future on the line but so is her ticket out of here. After swearing off distractions she finds that a very cute, fun interruption actually helps with the stress.
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Comments: 51
Kudos: 263





	1. come back stronger than a 90’s trend

April has always been a planner even when she was young. She remembers coming up with her own themes for her birthday parties when the other kids would just go to Chuck E. Cheese. She remembers winning the science fair after her week long experiment stood out in a sea of homemade volcanoes. And she remembers watching a political debate with her dad and thinking, “hey, I could do that.” 

She understands the importance of strategy and she thinks things through every step of the way, crossing off her mental checklist as she goes to keep her own master plan intact. It’s just how she does things. And it’s this way of living that has made her the apple of her father’s eye, top of her class, and hopefully one day a future senator. 

However, it is also this way of living that through the years has left April labeled as an overachiever, a know-it-all, high maintenance, and of course a bitch (she personally prefers ambitious, intelligent, hard working, and strong-willed, but to each their own). 

Success is practically in her blood, or so she’s been told, and her competitive spirit relentlessly fights to keep her ahead of the game even if it means hurting someone else’s feelings. Team Stevens has always been goal oriented, fostering the best and brightest, and she would be no different. She wouldn’t dare. 

So when junior year throws everything it has at her — arrests, almost-first relationships, kind-of-first breakups, kidnapping stories, and bounty hunting reveals — April bunkers down and gets herself back on track. She wipes her tears, cracks open her books, and refocuses on her academics, heartbreak be damned. 

Many late nights are spent at school leading her extracurriculars, followed by even later nights at the library for SAT prep and general studying. With her father’s return, she takes any excuse she can get to be out of the house and also distanced from a certain pair of twins, pushing any and all distractions as far away as they can go. 

It doesn’t take long for her concentration to get so intense that she nearly forgets about all of the other stuff. 

She forgets about the resentment she held for her father and all that he’d done. She forgets about the anger and the bitterness she felt when he told her the story of his arrest. But mostly she forgets about her small taste of freedom outside of the closet, or the way her heart raced when she was kissing another girl, or the perfume said girl used to wear everyday. 

She’s just too busy to be bothered by any of it, or maybe she’s compartmentalizing again. Either way April doesn’t allot herself the time to dwell on the past, regardless of how fresh and recent it truly is. 

Ultimately her school work cuts back on her already very small window of down time and stretches her friendships thin. But when her final grades are without a doubt Ivy League standard and her heart no longer aches, April considers it a win and her father does too.

“I know it’s been a tough year, kiddo,” he says as if he’s at all aware of how much pain he put their family through, “but we always come out on top.” 

John gives her a firm pat on the back that practically echoes through her body and April does her best to force a smile, already thinking about her next distraction.

The summer provides a much needed break, even if most of it is spent counseling a group of eight year olds at the church camp she grew up attending. The days are long and hot, the cabins aren’t air conditioned, and the food is bland, but at seventeen she’s used to it and it goes by quick enough. 

Eventually she’s left with just a week to relax at the lake house with her two best friends, soaking up sun and lounging by the water before they kick off their senior year. 

“Can you believe we’re almost done?”

“I don’t even want to think about it.”

“I do,” she grins, ignoring Hannah B’s pout. “This time next year we’ll be in new places, moving on to bigger and better things. It’s invigorating.”

“And sad.” 

“And stressful.” 

“Might be true for you two.”

Ezekiel scoffs and although his sunglasses are in the way, she’s certain he’s rolling his eyes. “You’re not at all stressed about applications and possible rejection letters?”

“I don’t get rejection letters,” she tells him, and April means every word of it. 

She’s president of the straight-straight alliance and young republicans, captain of the forensics team, and with how well things went last year she’s a shoo-in for fellowship leader again. On top of all that she’s a straight A student with a brag worthy SAT score. 

So it’s safe to say she’s excited for senior year and the prospect of college because frankly, nothing can be worse than secretly having her heart break over the girl who put her father in jail. There is only one way out of that mess and that way is up. 

It’ll mean staying focused and working hard, much like she did the year before, but every minute of those late nights are worth it when they bring her one step closer to her college escape, one step closer to not having to hide in every aspect of her life, and one step closer to not looking her past in the eye every day. 

But that’s a bridge she hasn’t quite crossed yet as the first day of school arrives with many of its usual shenanigans. 

Kids come in late to class because they didn’t memorize their schedules the night before and didn’t know where they were going. Teachers let it slide and explain everything all over again, making their usual introductions take twice as long. Most of April’s classes end without a lesson even being taught, simply hearing the same expectations reiterated to them every period. No late assignments, no phones, no eating, and no cheating (which can clearly be summed up in one quick sentence). 

All of her AP teachers test them on their pre-existing knowledge of untaught subjects so they can “see how much they’ve grown at the end of the year.” Her peers tend to do poorly but April never does. She’s more than prepared for anything this year has to offer. 

It isn’t until Calculus, where they collectively grade their own quizzes and announce their scores, that anyone comes remotely close to catching up. Her former friend, turned enemy is just a few paces behind as usual and she tries not to let it bother her.

The morning moves a bit slow, but to keep herself busy April meets with her club advisors during lunch to schedule their first meetings of the year. Young republicans will meet tomorrow, followed by the straight-straight alliance the next day, and forensics the day after that. 

From there the afternoon moves a lot quicker and by the end of the day April is pleased to report that she only has two classes with a certain someone (Calculus and Spanish yet again) and they didn’t have to interact a single time. Eye contact is successfully avoided and based off of where their seats are assigned, it’s a charade April is sure she can keep up long term. 

All in all it’s a decently productive first day and she doesn’t think it could’ve gone better even if she tried. In fact, the whole first week goes smoothly and April is thrilled. 

“What’s up with you?”

She looks up from her plate of cafeteria food with a confused expression. 

“You’re, like, glowing,” Ezekiel clarifies with a nearly disgusted grimace. “I haven’t seen you like this since I got my kidney stones removed last year.” 

“That was a nice week,” Hannah B remembers. April does too, but she swiftly brushes it off.

“Just feeling good,” she shrugs simply. He doesn’t seem to buy it but she changes the subject before any further questions can be asked. “The straight-straight alliance is hosting a welcome back bake sale tomorrow so remember your money.”

“You planned a bake sale in less than a week?”

“Quite easily actually,” she tells them, sounding a bit impressed herself. “I came up with the idea before we even had our first meeting, so we just got right down to business.” 

“What’s the theme? Homophobia?” 

“No,” she objects, a little too defensively. The two of them give her an odd look and she deflects to pushing food around on her plate. “The theme is just welcome back.” 

“Really?”

April nods.

“Not your best, girl.”

A quick glare knocks the smirk right off his face. “Just bring your money tomorrow.” 

It may have been overzealous to orchestrate an event so soon into the school year, but it was a challenge April gladly bestowed onto herself and her fellow clubmates. They may have groaned at a task instead of having a happy chat during their first session, but April is determined to outdo herself this year. She has to if she wants the promising future she always dreamed of, and with her high school finish line on the horizon April’s not taking any chances. She will get out of here well-off enough to never have to look back. That is the end goal and just a week into her senior year she’s already off to a great start. 

Regardless of the basic theme for her last minute bake sale they manage to raise a lot of money. Most of which will be donated to the church but a decent sized portion goes right into their budget for future events and April is delighted with the new addition. 

Along with the club’s success, she pats herself on the back for a personal achievement. Her grandmother’s cookie recipe is the first item to sell out, leaving their inventory well before lunch. 

“Got you guys the last two,” she says, passing the treats to her friends. Hannah B claps excitedly, but Ezekiel narrows his gaze. 

“What’s the catch?”

“No catch,” she shrugs and he accepts the cookie. “But it’s a dollar each.” 

“There we go.” 

High off of the bake sale’s success, April is already conjuring up ideas for fellowship and their annual events, which are usually on a much grander scale than both the straight-straight alliance and young republicans. As she learned last year, she can actually work wonders with that budget and she wholeheartedly intends to do it once again. 

Throughout the entire meeting April is on the edge of her seat, waiting for Ellen to just wrap it up already. They all know the announcement is coming and she would love to skip the formalities and get right to work. She doesn’t need the applause (okay, a few claps wouldn’t hurt). She just wants to get busy and start bringing her ideas to life. 

So when their session drags on longer than usual with everyone sharing how they spent their summer, April gets a little antsy and actually breaks focus. Her eyes wander around the room and she makes the mistake of looking to her far left, catching a pair of blue eyes for not even a second before they’re tearing away. 

That is all it takes for her to refocus for the rest of the meeting. She doesn’t drift over to that corner of the room again, keeping her gaze steady on whoever is talking at the given moment. 

It surprisingly takes more energy than she expected, but that is something to be unpacked later. She can’t zone out now and think about how the girl that she avoids still looks at her, or wonder how many times it’s gone unnoticed, or how long she looks when April doesn’t catch her. 

“Alright, everyone,” Ellen starts, politely interrupting Luke’s story about a summer golf camp and April’s more intriguing rabbit hole. “We’re just about finished for today, but I have a special announcement before you go.” 

Bodies that were previously slouched over are now perking up at the promise of heading home for the day, while April leans forward in anticipation. 

“Now I know this is going to be a stressful year for most of you, college applications and all, so I want you to have someone to lean on through your struggles. Someone to guide you with a steady force to keep you cruising along your path,” she explains, wide eyed for the big reveal. “So I’ve chosen someone who I think will do just that. Someone who I know can lead this group through any and all troubled waters.” 

April sits up just a bit straighter, relief washing through her as the moment she’s been waiting for has now arrived. 

“Sterling Wesley.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes Ellen did it again! I promise they actually interact in the next chapter so stay with me. It’ll be up soon.


	2. you cut through like a knife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anytime I post on here I always have a moment of "this is bad" immediately after so big thanks to everyone who commented nice things!!

For the second year in a row April watches Sterling get congratulated for securing a position she herself deserved. She watches the other students clap, she catches the lingering pitiful looks, and she hears the murmurs about what happened last year — the blackmail, the exposé, and the dramatic saga that followed — but they don’t even know the half of it. 

She notes her friends avoiding her gaze at all costs, their bodies rigid beside hers as if she were a ticking time bomb with mere seconds left to blow. And based off of the way her hands are clenched and her ears ring throughout Sterling’s entire acceptance speech, they might actually be right. 

All of the late nights, the cancelled plans with friends, the money out of her own pocket, and the countless hours spent hunched over a damn bible had all been for nothing because she is still in the exact same position she was a year ago. 

However, even in the midst of her shock and humiliation, she doesn’t dare look to that left corner of the room. She has no desire to catch Blair’s tricky smirk or Sterling’s dumbfounded smile. Instead, she keeps her eyes on Ellen as the room clears out, wanting to have a word about her latest decision. 

“Was I not a good leader last year?”

“Oh, April!” Ellen puts a hand over her heart, offended just by the suggestion. “You did a marvelous job.”

“Then why wasn’t I considered?” 

“Well I like to change things up a bit,” she says, taking a seat behind her desk. “I don’t like to have the same exact system twice and with your experience, and how well you two work together, I was hoping you’d be like her right hand gal. Show her the ropes.” 

April doesn’t respond. She just stares back at her, entirely unimpressed, and watches the woman’s smile fade.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a follower,” Ellen gently reminds her. “Jesus had twelve apostles and Sterling could have you.”

“Did you just compare Sterling Wesley to Jesus Christ?” she questions, eyebrow quirked and arms crossed.

Ellen pauses as the realization plays out on her face. “You know, I might have,” she cringes before slowly shaking it off. “All I ask is that you pass on your knowledge and experience. The rest is up to you.”

“Fine.” 

As if the day weren’t bad enough, April starts to rethink her college choices. 

After finishing her homework she decides to work on her applications and further her research of prospective schools, but she only ends up in a downward spiral, finding a major hole in her process.

Most, but not all, of the universities on her apply list consider themselves “open and welcoming places” and with the loss of fellowship leader, April realizes her extracurriculars are far less impressive. 

Willingham and her father may have praised her straight-straight alliance presidency but some of these schools may not feel the same way, and the ones that do might not be good choices if she actually wants to come out anytime soon. 

So she needs new activities and new backup schools, just in case those activities pan out. Only it’s taken her years to build up this portfolio of accomplishments and her massive oversight will now have to be solved in a few short weeks. 

How she never realized it before, April isn’t sure. She’s had this plan for years and it never once occurred to her that the role she’s played as her father’s perfect Christian daughter might actually have to follow her out of here if it’s what goes on her applications. In all her time of intense strategizing, pushing friends away, and ruthlessly competing to be the best, she still wasn’t thorough enough. 

Her new plan will have to be better. She has to cover all her bases and she can’t leave a single stone unturned, because even the most certain outcome has taken an unexpected turn. She lost fellowship leader and that one surprising twist was enough to leave her entirely unraveled. 

With that in mind her research gets more intricate. She visits the Willingham website to look through their long list of clubs and she checks them with her yearbook, scouting out the ones with few members so _maybe_ she can land a position. This late in the game it likely won’t be president, but she can force her way into secretary at least. 

Unfortunately though, most of the impressive or interesting clubs are also the ones that are popular and she knows all too well how these hierarchies work. April can’t as a senior waltz into one of these pretentious organizations and take a top spot that fast. She will need more time and that’s something she doesn’t have. 

So she settles for chess club, which meets tomorrow at lunch, and hopes that is at least a good start as it’s getting late and she still has universities to research. 

Unfortunately, her college exploration takes up more of the night than she’d like and April sluggishly arrives at school the next morning just before first period is about to start. She drops into her assigned seat with a dead weight that even Hannah B notices. 

“Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. You just seem…”

“Seem what?” April asks harshly when the other girl’s voice trails off. 

“Fine,” she decides. “You seem fine.” 

Hannah B turns to face the front of the room right as Ellen is about to start class, leaving April alone for the rest of the period. 

Bible study has never been her favorite class, but this morning April finds it especially hard to pay attention. Her eyelids feel heavy and she holds up her head with her hand, all while Ellen’s lesson seems to drag on longer than usual. Just when she starts to think that class will never end, the bell finally rings, setting them free for at least the next few minutes before second period starts. 

Or so she thought. 

“April, may I speak to you second?”

April gives Hannah B a nod that sends her on her way and she hangs back to see what Ellen has on her mind this time. 

“I was wondering if you spoke to Sterling yet.”

“I have not,” she answers, restraining herself from rolling her eyes. However, Ellen looks a bit disappointed although she’d never say it, and April sighs. “I’ll do it today.”

“That’s my girl,” she beams. “Thank you.” 

Her next two classes are excruciatingly slow, leaving her to sit with nothing but her thoughts ahead of her impending conversation with Sterling, who she has not spoken to in months. April uses the time to brace for an approach, waiting until the end of calculus to make a move. 

“Hey,” she says, catching the girl by surprise. “Ellen wants me to show you how to lead.”

She blinks. “What?”

“Fellowship,” April clarifies. “She wants me to go over what I did last year, which is absurd considering you had the position for a short time and I obviously have better things to do than to babysit you while you take my place, but she’s insistent.”

“Um, okay,” she stammers. Her forehead creases as she processes the new information. “How does lunch sound?’

April is about to agree when she remembers the chess club meeting and the predicament that she’s in thanks to the girl in front of her. She can either push this thing with Sterling back and let it loom over her head a bit more or she can do it during lunch with a perfect excuse to keep it short and arrive fashionably late to chess club. 

She decides on the latter. 

“It’ll have to be quick. Don’t be late.” 

Before Sterling can say anything else April is in the hallway and off to her next class where she forces herself to focus, blocking out any lingering thoughts about her conversation with the girl she first came out to, kissed, and nearly risked it all for. 

And with those thoughts tightly bottled up April comes to the conclusion that it doesn’t have to be a big deal if she doesn’t make it one. Sure her feelings were easier to swallow when there was distance between them, but she is an expert at hiding her truth. Worrying about her past heartbreak and anger when her future is on the line is completely juvenile and she simply won’t allow it. So she pushes through her classes with a fierce concentration, channeling all of her energy into the task at hand until lunch arrives. 

As April walks into the cafeteria she very quickly spots Sterling sitting alone at a table with her tray of food already in front of her, on time and prepared. April hesitates for a second and gulps, hopefully swallowing her nerves and her pride. 

_It’s just Sterling, it’s just fellowship, and it’s just for a few minutes._

With a deep breath she makes her way over and by the time April reaches the table, any apprehension is gone or buried so deep below the surface that she can’t even feel it. She’s all business as she takes her seat, dropping not one, but two binders on the table. 

Sterling jumps in surprise at the sound and her eyes are wide when they see what caused it. 

“Oh, hi.”

April skips a greeting and gets right to work. “Anything you’ll need to know is in here,” she says, patting the binders with her hand. “The bottom one is everything I did last year, and the top — I’m not gonna lie I assumed I would be in your shoes this year, so I’ve already gotten a jump on things.”

“Wow, you really did a lot,” she interrupts, awestruck at the abundance of work in front of her. “I can’t steal your ideas though.”

April scoffs. 

Sterling ended up in a position that was rightfully hers two years in a row, sent her father to jail, and, well, April chooses to block out a particularly nauseating thought about Sterling stealing her heart as well. 

Clearly the girl has no problem taking things from her. 

“Do you — and bear with me because this may sound stupid,” Sterling starts, and April sighs because she doesn’t have time for stupid, “do you want to do this together?”

“What do you mean?”

“We could co-lead or something.” 

It takes a second for the suggestion to register, but when it does April brushes it off. “I don’t think Ellen would approve.”

“Are you kidding?” Sterling exclaims with a laugh. “She’s obsessed with us. Why do you think she asked you to give me the rundown of a job I’ve already done?” 

Not wanting to enter an "us" conversation in the middle of the cafeteria, April ignores Sterling’s question and settles for a redirect. 

“Co-leader isn’t nearly as impressive.”

“Well it’s better than no-leader,” she quips with a dumb little smile tugging at her lips. 

April crosses her arms. She knows that look and she knows better than to get caught up in the innocence of it. She’s made that mistake a few times before and finds it hard to believe that Sterling would just offer this to her unprompted.

“And why would you do that?”

“Well with school and my job I don’t know if I can give this everything you did.”

“Right,” she mutters, “your job.” 

The mere mention of her work tugs a little bit at April’s heart as she feels the weight of her father’s reveal pressing into her old wounds. Sterling seems to notice and looks away under the pressure of their hollow silence. Fingers nervously play with food while eyes avoid each other and April is well aware that she should be on her way, but Sterling breaks the tension first. 

“Listen, I don’t need an answer right now,” she says. “I’ll be in the fellowship room after school if you want to work with me.”

April takes that as her cue to go, pushing her chair out abruptly and startling the girl in front of her. 

“Where are you going?”

“None of your business,” she returns, pulling her bag over her shoulder. 

“So you’re not gonna eat anything?”

”I ate this morning,” she shrugs, unsure why she’s even taking the second to explain herself. “I don’t really have time.” 

“You should eat something.”

April stops for a second under Sterling’s weird persistence and snatches a fry from her plate. 

“Bye Sterling.” 

She walks into the chess club meeting just a few minutes late, entering quietly but the attention of the room still shifts towards her. April is quick to note a few games set up and takes an open seat, ignoring the way her skin crawls under all of these watching eyes. 

The boy in front of her makes the first move, shifting a pawn two spaces. She takes her turn and they drift into a steady rhythm of back and forth. His moves are predictable and she responds so effortlessly that her mind begins to wander over Sterling’s proposition. 

Co-leader doesn’t solve all of her problems, especially since it presents a distraction — _move the knight up and to the left_ — but it is a quick fix and as much as she hates to agree with the other girl — _take out his pawn with the rook_ — it is better than nothing. She can make it work if they stay on task and — _bishop to the right to knock out his queen_ — the room gasps, pulling her momentarily out of her head before he makes a countermove. 

If they keep things professional the arrangement will certainly be beneficial. Even if sharing the load for less of the credit is infuriating — _take his knight_ — and it makes Sterling’s choosing look all the more ridiculous — _move the queen in_ — she’ll at least have something worthwhile to add to her applications. And after all — _checkmate_ — that is the goal. 

The boy stares blankly at his unprotected king with nowhere to go as April tunes back into the silent room.

“Who’s your president?”

Without a word they all point to the boy she just beat.

“Interesting.”

Sterling glances up from her work just for a second as footsteps echo through the room. “I had a feeling you’d show up,” she says before turning her attention back to the binder. 

“Did you talk to Ellen?”

“Yes, she’s thrilled. Called it the greatest idea since the electric scooter.” Sterling laughs, but April just stands there staring for a moment too long. “Are you gonna sit?”

“Obviously,” she huffs, snapping out of it and pulling up a chair. She hears Sterling mutter a mocking _obviously_ of her own but chooses to ignore it. “Did you look at my week one idea?”

“I did,” Sterling begins, and April senses a _but_ coming. “I actually flipped through most of this over lunch. It’s great, really.”

“So we’re decided then!” 

April starts to pull the binder away from Sterling before she can lead them astray when a hand suddenly stops it. 

“Not quite.” She tugs the binder back, flipping through the pages until she lands on week nine. “I actually liked this idea better.”

“Well if you read the others you’d know that the first few weeks are a build up.” 

“I don’t really do build ups,” Sterling shakes her head. “I tend to just jump into things.”

“I’ve noticed.” 

She didn’t mean it in a nice way, but based on how Sterling blushes you would think April gave her a compliment. 

She doesn’t dwell on it. 

“I have that scheduled for week nine because if you checked a calendar you would note that it’s the week early action applications are due. _I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith._ It’s a lesson in perseverance.” 

“Okay,” Sterling drags the word out like she’s not quite convinced. “Don’t you think it might make sense to teach perseverance before we need it though? Like I totally get that applications are going to be stressful, but a lesson in powering through will probably be more beneficial if it comes before the finish line.” 

“It still isn’t a week one idea.” 

“Fair,” she reluctantly agrees, “but can we at least move it up from nine?” 

“Fine.” 

The grin on her face is way too celebratory for April’s half-hearted compromise and she’s not at all amused by it. Being that they’re still on the first step of looking for a topic, she yanks the binder away from Sterling to find a new idea. However, as she’s scanning through her work, April smells a very familiar perfume. 

“Why are you in my space?” she snaps, leaning away from a hovering Sterling. 

“You’re hogging the binder.”

“Well it’s my binder.” 

“And you gave it to me. I’m just trying to help.” 

“I don’t need your help.”

Sterling’s eyes narrow as she leans back in her chair. “What’s got you so worked up?” 

“Let’s see,” April starts, “I am taking a lot less credit to share a job that I did entirely by myself last year, to work with you of all people during college application season.”

“Hey, I needed this position just as much as you,” Sterling retorts, surprisingly matching her bite, “and I offered to share the credit. I could’ve kept it for myself.” 

“You never should’ve had it in the first place.”

“Call it karma for blackmailing it out from under me last year.” April shuts up but as usual it takes a rambling Sterling a little longer to notice. “If anything this should’ve been my position to lose, not yours, and you never would’ve shared it with me if the shoe was on the other foot. Plus you have like a million other things you’re a part of.”

“Not anymore.”

It slips out under her breath, hopefully quiet enough that Sterling didn’t hear, but of course April isn’t that lucky. 

“What are you talking about?”

“I realized going to a school that values my straight-straight alliance isn’t much of an escape,” she explains, her voice a lot softer than it was just seconds ago. “So if I don’t land another impressive title it looks like I’ll be in the closet for another four years.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

She’s thankful when Sterling looks away, relieved of holding her stare and pretending not to notice the sadness in her eyes. Aside from the one word answer, Sterling is speechless but very clearly deflated. Her posture folds with a heavy sigh, slouching in her chair as she stares into space, searching for something to say in return. 

In an effort to get back to work, April takes the binder without any fight, knowing her moment of honesty is still sitting with the other girl. But the silence doesn’t last long. 

“What if you started your own club?” Sterling suddenly suggests. April perks up. “President and founder sounds pretty darn impressive.” 

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” she thinks aloud, tuning out an awkwardly coy Sterling as she attempts to take the compliment. If April seriously wants to start her own club she would need to fill out some forms in the office. She looks to the clock, knowing that the secretary goes home soon and jumps to her feet with just five minutes to spare. “You got this covered, right?”

“Yes ma’am.” 

As she reaches the door, April turns back around to point a stern finger at Sterling. “No week nine.”

“Promise.”


	3. life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

The repetitive thumping of April’s pen against the wood of her desk has settled into background noise that she hardly even perceives. Her attention is too preoccupied with the task in front of her. The club forms that she picked up at the office are still blank, needing a title, an objective, and a faculty advisor signature. And April still needs an idea. 

“You’re awake?”

The thumping stops and she turns in her seat, finding her father in the doorway. 

“Yeah, I’m almost done,” she lies. 

“May I?”

She nods and he enters the room, sauntering towards her. April strategically covers her club forms before he comes to a stop, hovering just over her shoulder and studying the computer screen where her applications are open.

“I thought you were president of two clubs.”

“I am,” she perks up, heart racing as she leans to get a closer look at her screen. “I guess I made a mistake.” 

Feigning forgetfulness, April starts typing in her straight-straight alliance credentials just for show under John’s watchful gaze. 

“That’s a pretty big mistake. I’m surprised you’d even make it.”

“I’m just involved in so many things it gets hard to keep up sometimes,” she boasts, hoping to sway him off subject. 

“April.” 

His stern tone brings her typing to a sudden stop. 

“Yes, daddy?”

“Don’t make yourself smaller for people who don’t respect our beliefs,” he says, apparently seeing right through her lie but luckily catching the wrong reason. “You should be proud of your work. I certainly am and I know God would be.” 

Without taking her eyes off the screen, April nods and prays her voice doesn’t tremble. “Thank you.” 

He pats her on the back and she holds her position until his footsteps disappear down the hall, exhaling a long breath once she’s alone. 

April arrives at school early in the morning with a crisp and eye catching sign-up sheet to hang on the hall bulletin board, penciling in her own name on the first line. She needs to fill in six slots in order to take it to the Vice Principal and turn her idea into an official club, but she’s pretty sure a community service organization literally titled Love Thy Neighbor will go over just fine. Unfortunately though, she has a forensics meeting to get to and sending a quick text to the holy trinity group chat is all the advertising April has time for. 

She sits quietly at a desk, going over her math notes for their test today and occasionally sipping on her coffee while she waits for the meeting to start. Sterling for some reason takes the seat next to her and April pretends not to notice. 

“Since when do you bring coffee to class?”

“This isn’t class.” 

“I know, but weren’t you the one that argued ‘elements of consumption were just distractions to the workplace’ or something like that?”

“I was up late and out early,” April returns. “Plus drinking coffee is far less distracting than snoring through a meeting.”

“You snore?” 

Sterling’s head tilts in an almost endearing way and at the first tingle of blush on her cheeks, April shuts it down. “I’m trying to study.” 

And try as she might, her eyes can’t help but linger to the girl next to her, just sitting there twiddling her thumbs with nothing to do. 

“You’re aware we have a test today, right?” she finds herself asking. 

Sterling nods, nonchalantly shrugging it off. “I studied last night. If I don’t know it by now, I’m not gonna know it in two minutes.” 

April’s eyebrows furrow in disbelief, but the meeting begins before she can even decide whether to question or ridicule Sterling’s behavior. 

“Alright, we’ve got a fun activity planned to get your blood flowing and get you in the competitive spirit,” Coach Esposito says, attempting to hype up the yawning group of teenagers in front of him. “You’re each going to write down a topic on a piece of paper, fold it up, and put it in the bowl. Then you’re going to come up here two at a time and debate whichever topic you get.” 

Of course a few of her teammates groan, but April is actually quite fond of the idea and not just because she came up with it. The exercise allows them to choose potentially silly topics of interest and also keep them on their toes for upcoming tournaments. And nothing makes April feel more like herself than winning a debate. 

They keep each match short, allowing for students to get multiple turns and in the fun of it all the morning goes by rather fast. Coach is about to have Ellen pick the last pairing when April’s phone buzzes and a text from her father temporarily steals her attention. 

**Dad (7:46 am):** _Something to discuss at your next meeting._

He attached a link to an article citing a church a few towns over that advertised itself as welcoming of all people, LGBTQ+ included. 

“April?”

She looks up from her phone to see expectant eyes and Sterling standing in front of her. “What?”

“Ellen picked us,” she says. 

Of course she did. 

With a heavy sigh April rises to her feet and moves to the front of the room once again, this time standing across from a familiar opponent. Ellen makes a production of choosing the last folded topic in the bowl, which turns out to be cats vs dogs with April arguing cats as the better pet. 

“This is stupid,” she mutters.

“Your idea,” Sterling whispers in return. 

And so the debate begins with each of them stating their opening arguments. Sterling goes first, mentioning dogs as better companions with a wider variety of resources. April hardly listens and has to be prompted when it’s her turn to speak, finding her mind still wrapped around the text from her father and the conversation they had just the other night. 

She stumbles a bit through her speech, words not flowing as effortlessly as usual, and eventually she’s interrupted after citing cats as more independent creatures. 

“Why would I want an independent pet? Isn’t the point that they hang out with me?”

“Not necessarily. You might need someone to follow at your feet with a wagging tail of praise, but others don’t.”

“Hey, a little love never hurt anybody,” Sterling jokes and April’s jaw clenches when laughter actually follows through the room. “And apparently the people agree. Dogs are more popular as pets than cats.”

“Do you have a statistic to back it up or are we just taking your word for it?”

“Let’s do a show of hands,” Sterling decides. “Raise your hand if you have ever had a dog.” Five hands go up. “And now if you’ve had a cat.” Only three hands are raised and Sterling starts to smile like she has her next idea. “You’ve only ever had a cat?”

“Yes. In my experience they are superior pets,” she answers. “They allow for a more independent owner, while still enjoying the occasional play and cuddle.”

“Well I don’t know if you noticed, but I raised my hand both times,” Sterling points out and April did notice, but it was also something she already knew. “I’ve had both dogs and cats, separately and together, and I’ve found that cats are hit or miss. We had one that was super friendly and then the other, Fluffernutter, used to literally fight my sister.” 

There’s a hum of laughter once again as Sterling continues to woo their audience with ease. Her sweet, innocent charm fools almost everyone in the room. 

“So you don’t think dogs ever attack their owners?”

“No, that’s not what I said.” Sterling shakes her head. “We’ve just never had a similar problem with our dogs. In my experience, their personalities are more trainable.”

“So you think a dog is easier?”

“Precisely.” 

“You would take the easy way out,” April smirks, “but as someone who appreciates a challenge, I find the tougher bond more worthwhile and rewarding.”

“You have a good relationship with your cat?” 

She nods. 

“So the scar on your knee isn’t from Bilko scratching you?” 

April’s smirk drops and her eyes dart down to her leg where the scar is entirely covered by a pair of khaki pants. Before she can even form a coherent argument (one that doesn’t include ripping into Sterling for publicly sharing something she told her last year) the timer goes off and April knows she lost. 

“Well done girls,” Ellen cheers, clapping excitedly. The rest of the room is hesitant to join in while Coach Esposito keeps his eyes on the paper in front of him, tallying up their points. 

“Match goes to Wesley.” 

April immediately returns to her seat, ignoring Sterling’s outstretched hand, the gasps that follow from their teammates at her defeat, and Ellen’s overwhelming enthusiasm for it all. 

“I guess your tournament success wasn’t such a fluke last year,” he praises, giving a giddy Sterling a high five. “You might be the one to beat this time, kid.” 

Coach begins to dismiss them with the promise of meeting at the same time next week to see if “Wesley can defend her title” and April’s blood boils with every word. 

It really is no surprise that everyone wraps a little bit tighter around Sterling’s mediocre finger, but it is infuriating to watch nonetheless. April is the captain, she came up with the idea for their meeting today, and she only lost once, yet her praise is nowhere to be found. 

The room starts to clear out, thankfully taking their congratulatory murmurs with them and April is carelessly shoving her books back in her bag when the winner approaches. 

“How’d you like that turn of events?”

Sterling is grinning ear to ear as if winning a practice debate is some kind of accomplishment. She scoffs. “You got lucky.” 

“Give me some credit.”

“You always get credit and you do the bare fucking minimum.”

April freezes, realizing what she just said out loud. She knows she shouldn’t look up from her belongings but she does anyway, just in time to see Sterling’s beaming smile drop, clearly taken aback by her sudden ferocity. 

“I think you’re misdirecting your anger again.” 

“I think it’s exactly where it needs to be.” 

“I’ll admit my kicking your butt was probably a one time thing,” she starts and April rolls her eyes, “but you didn’t lose because I got lucky with a few arguments. You lost because you’re overworked and you missed yours.”

April shrugs, wearing an arrogant smile. “Just a reminder that I do more than you.”

“It wasn’t a compliment.” 

And now April’s smile gets to fall because this isn't the predictable Sterling she’s used to dealing with. Her quick remarks aren’t being met with pouting stares, bruised egos, or whiny complaints. Instead Sterling is giving it firmly right back to her. 

“Think about it like a rubber band. If you put too much pressure on it and it snaps, then it doesn’t work.”

“Am I supposed to be the rubber band?”

Sterling nods. 

“That’s a dumb analogy.” 

“Whatever you say, captain.” 

Sterling leaves the room with the last word and April feels like she just lost another argument. 

The morning goes by in a blur, drifting from class to class just to go through the motions of learning when her head feels entirely fried. She even spaces out during her test with thoughts of her father, the debate, Sterling’s ridiculous analysis of her, and the club sign-up sheet that she’s desperate to check on. 

She finally makes it to the bulletin board on her way to lunch, deflating when she sees only four signatures listed. April’s eyes scan down the already known names of her and her two friends before landing on the fourth. She brings her finger instantly up to the line to make sure it registered correctly and sure enough it did. 

As if dealing with her everywhere else wasn’t frustrating enough, Sterling Wesley has now signed up for April’s club. 

Without a second thought she heads straight to the cafeteria, blowing past anyone in her way. Her eyes rapidly scan the room once she gets there and when they lock in on that one person, April marches right over to where Sterling is sitting. 

“Do you have to be everywhere I am?”

Sterling looks up at her, eyes wide in shock and mouth still full from her last bite. “This is the cafeteria.” 

“No, I meant —” she stops, exhaling and lowering her voice. “Why did you sign up for my club?” 

“You need six members to be approved and I saw you were short.” 

“I don’t need any favors.”

“So you weren’t short?” she questions with a knowing smile. April’s silence only makes it grow wider, which would be frustrating if it held its arrogance, but Sterling couldn’t keep that facade very long even if she tried. Instead it looks now as if she’s suppressing a laugh and if they weren’t in public with the other twin quickly approaching April doesn’t know if she would scream or kiss her. 

“Just stay out of my business.” 

She leaves Sterling’s table with her head spinning too fast to be annoyed when she overhears Blair ask, “So what did Satan want?” 

How April makes it across the room is all a dizzy blur. Her mind swarms from one moment to the next wondering what she could possibly be missing, when did this _thing_ between them change back, and why didn’t she see any of it coming once again. 

This extra time with Sterling is resurfacing some desires that April thought she had long gotten rid of or at the very least buried too deeply to be recovered. Her heart is racing, her hands feel warm, and there’s a pit pressing into the bottom of her stomach like she’s in Ellen’s office all over again. And even while the feeling is all too familiar, she is somehow just as thrown as she was a year ago. 

There has always been a back and forth between them, that she is used to, but this sudden blinding rush has to be kept under control. She can’t fall for her smile, or her eyes, or the way that she pretends to care. Last year it was new and alluring. This time she should know better.

“April!”

“What?” she snaps at whoever rudely interrupted her thought process. 

“Gosh, never mind.” 

Hannah B sulks back in her seat, picking at the remnants of her lunch. April is about to return to her internal monologue when she notices Ezekiel staring intently. 

“This vibe you got going on right now,” he says, gesturing a hand, “not cute.” 

“I’m not trying to be cute.”

“Clearly,” he mutters, earning himself a sharp glare in return. “I’m just saying, there is such a thing as too much. Even for you.” 

“You sound like Sterling,” she answers much too quickly, catching wide gazes on both of her friends. “She told me during forensics that I was overworked.” 

“Well the girl was right,” he exclaims, no longer thrown by Sterling’s mention at all. “You need to relax. Find a way to blow off some steam.”

She doesn’t put up a fight or even offer an agreement. April simply lets them get back to their conversation so that she can get back to her dilemma and it keeps her occupied for most of the afternoon. 

The next time she checks on her sign-up sheet it’s the end of the day and she’s at six signatures. Normally that would be exciting, but when the final two names are Blair Wesley and Luke Creswell written in a familiar loopy handwriting, April loses it. 

She races down the hallway with _who do you think you are_ and _why won’t you leave me alone_ ready to fire on the tip of her tongue, because it just doesn’t make sense. 

April hasn’t spoken to Sterling or so much as made eye contact with her until recently. It’s been months since she found out about her kidnapping, went over to her house for the afternoon, and laid with her until she felt better. It’s been months since she last kissed her and played with her hair. It’s been months since April thought she made a mistake at the lock-in and that maybe Sterling was worth the risk. And it’s been months since that beautiful, peaceful bubble came to a loud pop when her dad had some news of his own to share that night. 

So the girl’s sudden interest can’t possibly be empty or well intentioned, because there is just too much hurt resting in their history and April has to know the truth. 

“What’s your game here?” she snarls, luckily to an empty fellowship room.

“What are you talking about?”

“With me, and the club, and your helping,” April clarifies, crossing her arms. “What are you up to?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to help.”

“Well I don’t need it.” 

Sterling stands from her seat, eyebrows curiously furrowed as she takes a step in. “So you didn’t need the fellowship position to put on your applications? And you didn’t need my idea to start your own club? And you didn’t need three extra members to make it official?” 

Okay, so she has some good points. 

“But _why_?” April pushes, her voice whiny and dripping with an embarrassing amount of desperation. 

“I don’t think I need to spell it out for you.”

If Sterling’s soft tone weren’t enough to catch April’s attention then the way her eyes dart to the floor with flushed cheeks definitely does it. She finally drops her arms to her sides and tilts her head in question, silently begging Sterling to continue. 

“Look, while I kinda enjoy the rage thing a bit more than a person should, I’ve also seen you happy, and loose, and carefree, and it actually works wonders for you,” she admits with a shy smile. “I was just hoping to lighten the load, although it seems like I did the opposite.” 

“Kind of.”

“I’m sorry.”

April shakes her head. “Don’t be.” 

The air between them grows so thick that Sterling has to look down to her feet just to break the ice. “Do you still want to be co-leaders?” 

April nods. “I was actually thinking we could do week nine.”

“Really?” She lights up with such a giddiness that April almost laughs. “Wow, that’s twice today that I’ve won against you.”

“Don’t remind me,” she warns and Sterling doesn’t mention it again. 

Although her week nine plan had already been outlined, they work on it until the windows grow dark and the halls are exceptionally quiet. Sterling seems to purposely take her time writing and April, who has no desire to rush home, lets her. She settles into their steady rhythm, forgetting her usual urgency and just for the moment she slips into comfort. 

Their footsteps later clack through the empty hallway, moment still buzzing with possibility, but when they step out into the night air their small talk dies on their lips. 

“Can I actually come to your club?” Sterling asks as they approach her car. “It sounded kinda cool.”

“Obviously it is,” April jokingly agrees, “but yeah, you can come.”

They exchange another smile and April is about to take that as goodbye, but Sterling speaks up and stops her from walking away. 

“Hey, I meant what I said before,” she clumsily blurts out, “about you and being overworked. It really wouldn’t kill you to have some fun once in a while and you’ve definitely earned it.”

April hesitates, very briefly weighing out about a hundred different responses, but she repeatedly keeps coming back to one. Maybe her brain really is burnt out from the stress or maybe she’s heard so much about fun today that she’s finally desperate enough to embrace it. 

She steps closer, giving in to the magnet-like pull between them and with the strength of it all, April doesn’t know how long she’ll be able to stand it. Her lips hover just below Sterling’s where she pauses to take a deep breath. 

“You can tell me to stop.”

Sterling very slightly shakes her head. “I don’t want to.” 

Those months between their last kiss and this one feel simultaneously like the longest drought of April’s life and also like mere seconds as everything seems to fall back into place.


	4. the more that you say, the less I know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for leaving you hanging at the end of that last chapter. Hopefully this is a bit better.

Sleep does not come easy for April. Every time she closes her eyes she is transported back to the empty parking lot, lost in the memory of fervent kisses with Sterling pressed up against her car. But whenever she runs it through her head it comes to the same screeching halt, rudely interrupted by the girl’s car alarm after they somehow leaned just right to nick the key fob in her back pocket. 

She should’ve stayed or said something better, but after being pulled out of the moment all April could do was step back. From there awkward _I should go’s_ and _I’ll see you tomorrow’s_ were exchanged before they ultimately went their separate ways. 

She thought by morning the feeling would’ve shaken, but it hasn’t. There is still a gnawing in her stomach as April gets ready for school, nervously trying to pick the right outfit and how to wear her hair, and not just because of a single kiss. Today she will also be meeting with the Vice Principal and if all goes well her first club meeting will be after school, and no amount of uncertainty will get in the way of that. 

April has to be focused and at her best, making a firm impression as a leader. Her judgement cannot be clouded while she sets the tone. And it’s that thought that leads her to decide on wearing a blazer with a ponytail and pushing out any Sterling related thoughts for the time being. They can tackle whatever last night was after she gets through today. 

And she gets through her morning just fine. Her attention is intensely pointed on her work and April gets her club approved without breaking a sweat. She doesn’t ease up until she gets to calculus, where she makes the mistake of allowing herself to look at Sterling just once. After that April doesn’t look again, but with that one falter her mind starts to blur and she can feel the girl’s presence like heat on her skin throughout the rest of the period. 

Later she tells Hannah B that she’s skipping lunch to finish preparing for Love Thy Neighbor, to which the girl stupidly responds, “that’s today?” and April has to walk away before she says anything too harsh. She has no interest in the cafeteria, or the library, or even the fellowship room where she is so easily accessible. Instead she settles in an empty classroom with a brand new binder, crisp and ready to go. She ends up so laser focused that she doesn’t even hear the footsteps that enter the room. 

“Hi,” a familiar voice says. April looks up to see Sterling standing across from her, a shy smile gracing her lips. “You’re a tough one to track down. Are you aware most people are in the cafeteria?”

“Yes, but I’m —”

“Too busy?” Sterling finishes. April nods and the mood switches from lighthearted to heavy in the lingering silence. Their fleeting moment from the day prior hangs over them much like it did the first time, though neither of them seem any better at it. “Can we talk?”

April sighs, glancing down to her papers and then back up at the willingly vulnerable girl in front of her. “I’m prepping for the meeting today.”

“Oh,” she says, clearly disappointed when April goes back to work. “Sorry for interrupting.” 

She starts to walk away and April almost lets it happen, but the sight of a rejected Sterling has her speaking up before she can even process it. 

“Are you still coming later?”

Sterling turns around. “If you still want me to.” 

The knotted tension in April’s shoulders slowly releases and she feels a smile tugging at her lips when she suggests, “How about I drive you home after and we talk then?”

Sterling lights up with delight for a brief second before trying to play it cool, but she really has no poker face. 

“Deal,” she agrees, her voice purposely deep to avoid what otherwise would’ve been a squeaky answer. 

And it’s the promise of later that actually keeps April steady throughout the afternoon whenever her internal pressures get too loud. 

The club still only has six members. April had hoped a few more people would show up but as she stares out at the half empty classroom, five minutes after they were supposed to start, it looks like this is it. 

“Matthew 20:26,” she begins from the head of the room, “ _Whoever wants to be great must become a servant._ So congratulations on taking your first step towards greatness since as members you will all be completing frequent acts of service.” 

Of course she prepared an opening speech. And of course almost every gaze is glossed over with boredom. All except one. 

Sterling sits in the front row grinning while her sister’s feet rest on the desk behind her, practically kicking her in the head. It makes the devastatingly small turn out suddenly feel a little less sad and April feels a little less pathetic for being so over prepared. 

“Why don’t we all go around and share our individual goals and ideas?” 

Blair’s hand goes up first and against her better judgement, April calls on her. “I’m only here because Sterl wrote my name down.” 

“Okay,” she returns through gritted teeth and a forced smile. “Anybody have any actual ideas?” 

Luke’s hand slowly raises, which might honestly be worse than the other twin, but she gives him a shot. 

“Sterling wrote my name down too.”

April rolls her eyes and sighs in frustration, ready to lose it on this damned group of fools when the girl up front suddenly chimes in. “My dad got us this really big projector for Christmas last year. We could do like an outdoor movie night and donate the ticket sales.” 

April pauses in the surprising relief of finally having a decent response. “That’s really great actually,” she says, smiling just a little. “Thank you, Sterling.”

“You got any ideas, fearless leader?” Blair questions without even looking up from her phone. “Or is this just something for your college apps?” 

She smirks with an arrogant level of pride. “I thought you’d never ask.” 

Their numbers may have been small and there may have been some complaining throughout the meeting, but all of that is worth the look on Blair’s face when April drops a thick packet of service ideas and member requirements onto her desk, actually earning Sterling a light kick in the head. They would each have to log their hours to reach a monthly quota, their first assignment is a soup kitchen shift already scheduled for next week, and on top of all that they still have a regular classroom meeting for discussion. 

Once everything has been covered, April dismisses the grumbling group, wondering how she and Sterling are going to break away from their friends for that talk. She can’t just volunteer to drive the girl home and have her accept when Blair and the Volt are literally right there as options. With that in mind she’s not at all surprised when Sterling gathers her things and leaves the classroom with her sister. 

April takes her time cleaning up her belongings, friends long gone and peacefully alone with her disappointment. The meeting was terribly small and the only person there who, for lack of a better word, gave a shit couldn’t quite stick around for their promised moment of later. 

So when she steps out into the hallway, arms piled high with an abundance of extra packets, and hears a voice offer to lend a hand, April jumps in surprise and drops them all over the floor. 

Sterling tries not to laugh while cleaning up the papers and April tries not to stare every time she fails to muffle a snicker. 

Sterling _waited_. She waited out in the hall to let April do her thing and apparently excused herself to work on fellowship loudly enough for the whole group to hear, leaving them with a large window of unquestioned time. 

They walk out of the school, each with a stack of packets in hand, and although they’re silent and a good foot apart there’s this electricity brewing between them every step of the way. 

“So…” Sterling starts as soon as they’re closed in the car, but April doesn’t wait for her to even finish her thought. 

She leans hastily over the center console, kissing her like she thought of nothing else all day (which is partially true). It was the thing that kept her sane when she was buzzing in anxious anticipation for her meeting and it kept her grounded whenever one of the other group members did something stupid. It’s like she was just counting down the moments to get here, to get to Sterling. 

“So,” April continues, pleased and relaxed as she pulls away. “Now that that’s out of the way.”

“Oh, that’s not out of the way,” Sterling disagrees, hungrily leaning in for more.

But April turns her head. “Sterl.” 

“Right. Talking.” 

“That was the plan.”

It’s a bit of a clumsy start but they lay out a lot of _thoughts_ , barely tiptoeing around calling them _feelings_. April is a little more composed about it, whereas Sterling is wide-eyed and flushed the whole time, pushing the limits on lines they haven’t even drawn yet. Eventually they make it to setting their ground rules. April still isn’t coming out and Sterling understands. She has to focus on her academics, her clubs, and her applications, but is now seeing the perks in having an after school hobby.

Sterling grimaces at the word choice. 

They have to be professional in terms of fellowship. They have to be students first and acquaintances second. And ultimately they have to be the most well kept secret either of them have ever seen. 

“This can’t be public or serious,” she says, politely reiterating her need for a brief distraction. “Just sneaky and fun.”

“Fun?”

April nods. 

“What about this is fun for you?” Sterling questions with a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows. “Like what’s your favorite part?” 

April catches her smirk and offers a halfhearted, “shut up.” 

This time when Sterling leans in she doesn’t turn her head. 

April thought she knew everything a seventeen year old was supposed to know about life, standing lightyears ahead of her peers in every aspect she considers important. But apparently even she still has room to grow. 

She’s trying to learn about balance, giving herself the space to study and the space to relax, or in this case, the time for starting the conversation and the time for taking a break to make out. 

She’s also learning about making out. 

Not that it’s anything they haven’t done before, but it has been a while and — _wow_ , did she miss it. 

She missed the way Sterling’s lips moved so in sync with hers. She missed how her own hands can’t quite settle when charged with this much energy. She missed the sensation of smooth skin being on the other side of her kiss and she definitely missed the soft sounds that followed. 

“This is my favorite part by the way,” April whispers into Sterling’s ear. 

And to balance out that intensity there come moments in between where they catch their breath while ironing out the details of their new arrangement. 

“Can I at least tell Blair this time?” 

“Fine,” she agrees, “but only if she can keep her mouth shut.” 

“She will. Well kinda,” Sterling guesses and April narrows her eyes. “She might give us a hard time but she’ll never tell anyone.”

“I can handle that.” 

“Clearly,” Sterling laughs, thinking back to their meeting. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her speechless.” 

And once their conversation is sorted out and the constant need to be kissing has subsided, they find a new area of interest in just getting to know each other again after their time apart. 

Sterling has a new favorite movie, she’s taken up baking, and she now goes to therapy once a week. April isn’t exactly surprised with the reveal, or how she says it so casually and all in one breath like the three things just go together. However, what is surprising is the added confession that her parents join her once a month for a family session, because they're all still working through the damage of that one no good, terrible night. 

“And they're okay with that?”

Sterling nods. “They felt awful about what happened — which they should've. It was literally a nightmare — but they want me to understand why they did it and they want me to trust them.”

It comes out of her mouth sounding so simple, but to April it’s baffling. She could never imagine her parents, her father especially, willingly in therapy for her own benefit. It just isn’t how they do things. 

The Stevens family always shares in the glory but hides in the grief, which April has seen first hand. Her many accomplishments are often credited to “another win for the team” but any faults are all her own. 

Even in their best of times they do not compare to the Wesley’s at their supposed worst and that’s what makes the concept seem so foreign. 

“Do you trust them?”

“It took some time but I do now,” Sterling admits, quickly trading her serious tone for something lighter and more in character. “Enough about me. Let’s talk about us.” 

Her hand lands on April’s and she beams with an easy smile that makes April feel safe. But that safety has made them reckless in the past. 

“My dad is still home and he hasn’t changed, or I should say he hasn’t gotten any better. He’s actually more bitter than he was before.” 

“So we’ll have to be careful.”

“Very.” 

She stares down to where their fingers are entwined, trying to focus on the perks rather than the intrusive fears migrating to the front of her brain. 

“My parents know.”

April looks up. “What?”

“They know I’m bisexual. I told them over the summer.”

“Really?” 

She has a million questions whirling through her mind (and she nearly kicks herself for starting with that one) because while April has read some stories online, she doesn’t know anyone in real life that has ever come out. 

“It was awkward,” Sterling says with a reminiscent laugh, “but it was okay.” 

“They weren’t angry or upset?”

She shakes her head. “They were _quiet_ ,” Sterling explains, choosing the word carefully. “Blair really helped fill the silence and once they wrapped their heads around it everything was fine. It just took a minute.” 

“What made you — I mean, I know you wanted to,” April awkwardly starts, fumbling into her next question. “Why then?” 

“I left therapy one day feeling like a hypocrite. They were doing so much work to be honest with me and I had so many things hidden.” 

April drops the other hand and starts to lean back in her seat, worry creeping in that just like last time they’ll agree to terms today but come tomorrow the secret won’t be enough for one of them. Before she can run away with the idea Sterling hastily grabs her hand again. 

“They don’t have to know about us though,” she clarifies without even being prompted. “I just needed them to know about me.”

“You’re sure?”

Sterling nods. 

“Because I get it,” April says, avoiding her gaze. “It can be very taxing to be in this alone.” 

“You’re not in it alone.” 

The words roll unabashedly off her tongue, quieting April’s nerves with ease. She glances up with hesitance to see Sterling staring straight at her as if her point hasn’t already been made. 

April leans in this time because she’s done talking and frankly, how could she not when Sterling sees her so clearly.


	5. wait for the signal and I’ll meet you after dark

April never thought she would familiarize herself so well with the backseat of a car, yet here she is precisely angling her head as to not hit it on the door when she shifts down. The Volt is small and cramped so it takes a few twists and turns for her body to settle somewhat comfortably, but as always April pays attention and she studies until she becomes something of an expert. 

Their new found arrangement has left April with even less free time than she had before, though at least now she has an outlet to blow off steam and let it all go, alleviating some of the internal pressures weighing down on her mind. 

She of course is still hard at work when it comes to school and her extracurriculars, finding mere occasions to trade lunch for the supply closet, or skip her ride with Hannah B for a ride home with Sterling. And although their short moments tend to lead with intensity, sometimes if they sit next to each other in a meeting their pinkies touch ever so slightly, or she’ll feel a foot trail gently along her calf, creating a different kind of flutter. 

All of that is well and good, but it leaves April wanting more and so she literally schedules it. 

When setting up their soup kitchen plan she staggers the group into three sessions with assigned pairs, leaving Sterling all to herself and Ezekiel very disgruntled over his partner. 

“Why am I with Luke?”

“Well _I_ didn’t want to be with him,” April says with a tinge of disgust, “and he would never get anything done with the other three.” 

The volunteer shift isn’t the alone time that they’re used to. It’s a lot less private and a lot more professional. At least with no one they know around, April figures they can be friendly towards one another without consequence. 

April arrives early, setting up trays of food when Sterling comes in right on time. She silently lends a hand but eventually April notices a lack of motion next to her with the other girl’s stare crawling on her skin. 

“What?”

Sterling shrugs. “Never would’ve thought you could pull off a hair net.” 

“You’re out of your mind,” April returns. It doesn’t carry the bite she had hoped for and her attempt at not smiling fails miserably. 

She spends most of the afternoon blushing, actually able to laugh when Sterling makes a lighthearted comment, actually able to stand next to her without acting like she’d burst into flames if she got too close, and actually able to enjoy herself because Sterling does exactly as she’s told without the need of a watchful eye. 

Sterling is also really good with all the other people. She’s charming and funny, and for once April doesn’t have to pretend to hate it. In fact she finds that she really likes it. Sterling often loops her into conversations, crediting April for the volunteers that will be coming in this week or hyping up her work at school. It should be weird to not be competing, but for some reason it isn’t at all. 

From their years of being against one another, she knows that Sterling is smart and on top of her work, though not in the overbearing way that April is. She has this whole balance thing well figured out, knowing when to have fun and when to be focused, which is exactly the stability that April has been longing for. 

It makes trusting her so desirable even with so much on the line, and so whenever April feels the girl tugging her in a different direction, she lets herself be led. 

“Is this okay?” Sterling asks after swinging a leg over April’s lap to comfortably straddle her in the backseat of the Volt. 

She nods.

As it turns out being kissed so deeply that she forgets to form words is actually a very good distraction since it makes April forget other things as well. It’s hard to focus on swirling thoughts and itemized to-do lists when the pounding knock of her heart rings loud enough to silence the world around them. For whatever few minutes they spend together the stresses of school and college fall into the back of her mind, and April finds that as she lets the pressure off things actually start to flow. 

Love Thy Neighbor is now up to thirteen relatively eager members, she lands vice president of chess club, and if it weren’t for her co-leader doing fellowship on top of all that would be really overwhelming, especially when the first round of applications go out. 

In the most stressful week of her life to date, she hardly leaves any time for her reliable distraction, only once arranging for a supply closet meet up to just sit on the floor with their lunch as Sterling insists that it’s more important. April spends countless hours staring at her computer screen rereading her essays, her extracurriculars, and her academic achievements over and over until she’s bleary eyed and certain that everything is perfect. 

When she finally sends her early applications off to what will hopefully be an abundance of acceptance letters, she texts Sterling first. 

**April (11:23 pm):** _officially submitted._

**Sterling (11:24 pm):** _thank god._

**Sterling (11:24 pm):** _i mean - yay!! congrats!!_

She rolls her eyes, barely holding back a smile when a third text comes in. 

**Sterling (11:25 pm):** _does that mean i can actually see you for more than like five minutes???_

**April (11:27 pm):** _i’m free tomorrow if that works._

Sterling is shamelessly quick to reply that tomorrow does in fact work for her and then buzzes in a few more times with the suggestion of actually going out somewhere. 

**Sterling (11:32 pm):** _not that i don’t thoroughly enjoy making out in my car!!_

**Sterling (11:32 pm):** _it just might be nice to celebrate._

If she’s being honest, April goes against her better judgement and caves quite easily. All it takes is a definitely panicked, borderline regretful “ _no pressure_ ” text for April to find herself all the way across town at a diner with Sterling. 

“You look pretty.”

“This isn’t a date.”

Sterling blinks rapidly at April’s sudden short response. “Does it have to be a date for me to think you’re pretty?” 

“I guess not,” she decides. With the waters still uncharted she switches the topic to something more comfortable, “I was thinking we should do a food drive since Thanksgiving is coming up.”

“No.”

April sputters. “What?”

“Not no to the food drive,” Sterling clarifies. “Just no to you talking business on our night out.” 

“So what do you want to talk about?”

Sterling ponders for a second, eyes scanning her menu. “I can’t decide on a milkshake flavor.” 

As much as April hates to admit it the not-date ends up being a little date-like once she lets her guard down. She swiftly gets caught up in Sterling’s smile, her comforting ease, and finds herself touching the other girl a bit more than a pair of friends would. Her hand never quite settles to hold Sterling’s but she brushes gently against it whenever she gets the chance.

That only lasts until Sterling finally entwines their fingers on the short walk around the corner to her parked car. April is too dazed to object. Knowing that it’s risky and against their rules, she decides not to care on what has otherwise been a perfectly safe night. But before they reach the end of the street a couple of familiar faces come around the bend. 

Mr. and Mrs. Creswell are too deep in conversation to spot them on sight, as is Sterling, however, April luckily noticed. In one quick motion she tugs Sterling down an alleyway, pinning the girl in the shadows along the brick wall. April’s heart races as she presses up against her, tucking them into the darkness with a watchful eye still on the sidewalk they just abandoned. 

She only looks up to a bewildered Sterling once the two adults have passed. “That was too close,” April breathes, but her sigh of relief is cut short when Sterling yanks her in for a searing kiss. 

Planning the outdoor movie night occupies a large portion of their schedules, ruining all chances of sneaking around. Sterling, who offered the idea at their first meeting, acts as April’s right hand throughout the whole process and they’re both oddly professional about it. She’s a friendlier face that people actually like dealing with and while April used to take that to heart, she’s finding the perks in not being the first stop for suggestions, because by the time Sterling reaches her the obscenely stupid ideas have already been whittled out. 

On the day of the event April is as focused as ever. She assigned everyone jobs at their last meeting, though she still prints herself a checklist to make sure nothing gets forgotten and has her mom on speed dial because someone is destined to fall short. 

Her mantra is essentially “ _if you want something done right, do it yourself,_ ” but in times like this the job is just too big for April to cover all the bases on her own, and she’s not exactly an expert in letting things go. April ends up being tense all day, easily irritable, frequently bothering her peers with reminders in the club group chat, and checking the weather every time a new cloud ventures overhead. 

While her meticulous nature may be considered extreme by most, it’s what lands her with half the list checked off way ahead of schedule. 

“Here’s the cookies you asked for,” Lorna says, handing her a box of Chips Ahoy, which April certainly did not ask for. She would never request store-bought cookies. 

April forces a fake smile and the girl goes bouncing away, but once Lorna is out of sight she shoves the box at Ezekiel, practically making him keel over when it collides with his stomach. 

“Throw these away. Now.” 

After a deep breath does little to sooth her frustration with incompetence, April pulls her phone from her pocket. She can’t have a bake sale without cookies and if her mom starts cooking now there’s a chance that they’ll get here just on time. 

As she puts the phone up to her ear a pair of twins appear just up ahead, one of whom looks to have trays in hand. 

“April?”

“I’ll call you right back,” she says slowly before hanging up on her mother and focusing on the two girl’s in front of her. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Sterling beams next to a grumpy looking Blair. “I bought brownies and cookies just in case we needed extra.”

Of course she did. 

“Thank you.” April passes the trays over to a nearby Brenda and quickly shoos her away. “At least someone knows me well enough to bring homemade. Lorna showed up with Chips Ahoy.” 

“So lazy,” Sterling chastises with a shake of her head. 

April then turns her attention over to Blair, who has been staring hardcore since they approached. “Oh, I just bought myself,” the other twin shrugs, empty handed. 

“Well I hope one of you brought the projector.”

“Luke is carrying it down for us.” 

“I still think I could’ve handled it,” Blair huffs, and Sterling rolls her eyes over what seems to be a recurring argument. 

“It gives him something to do. He can’t possibly mess it up.” 

“Unless he drops it.” 

She points to the parking lot where sure enough, Luke is wobbling along with the fate of their entire event in his dumb, clumsy hands.

April inhales sharply at the sight. “Do you two think you can handle setting that up?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then get to it.” Blair raises an eyebrow at her commanding tone, foolishly unaware that April doesn’t have the time to tiptoe around her attitude. “Go before he actually drops it.” 

And suddenly the two of them are off without an argument. 

April returns to her checklist, browsing the display of snacks, drinks, and supplies, crossing off whatever is complete. Once that’s satisfactory she ventures over to the ticket table where Ellen is handling the money. 

“Everything going okay?”

“Wonderful,” the woman grins. “You’re doing great work, April.” 

Thankfully the projector setup looks to be moving along, but April doesn’t go over there and check in. She’s certain that Blair wouldn’t like her hovering and Sterling would never let things awry without her knowledge. So she heads to supervise the decorations just as Luke sucks helium out of a balloon to do a terrible high-pitched Yoda impression for a giggling Hannah B. 

“Hey,” April snaps, catching their attention. “Focus.” 

She stands guard while they get back to work, ensuring that all helium only goes in the balloons when Sterling comes walking over. 

“Projector is all set, captain.”

“And the speakers?”

“Blair is setting up a test run now.” 

“Perfect.”

April glances down to check it off, but Sterling suddenly grabs her by the hand to get her attention, dropping it as soon as she succeeds. “You’re not going to believe this,” Sterling starts, eyes wide as she leans a bit closer. “Josie Wentz just told me that she didn’t apply to any safety schools.”

Her eyebrows furrow like she might not have heard it correctly and Sterling nods to confirm. “Wow,” April gasps, shaking her head. “Community college will be lucky to have her.” 

There’s a playful whack to her arm and a reminder to be nice would normally follow if Sterling weren’t too busy laughing. She smiles a bit herself before remembering the crowd, stepping back and scanning for any questioning stares. The only one she catches is from Blair. 

“So am I gonna see you later?” 

“You’re seeing me right now,” April returns with a coy smile. 

“You know what I mean.”

April looks up at the girl feeling their usual pull, but a burst of noise takes her out of the moment with a flinch. “I guess the speakers are working,” she concludes, checking off her final box. “I’ll text you once we’re up and running.”

A satisfied Sterling returns to her work, where April finds the other twin still eyeing her from across the lawn. Although she tries to look as unbothered as possible, a shiver travels down her spine at the thought of her biggest secret resting in Blair Wesley’s claw-like hands. If it weren’t for Sterling, April never would’ve entrusted Blair with her favorite color, let alone her sexuality.

The movie goes off without a hitch. No technical difficulties ensue, there are no problems with seating, and the weather doesn’t suddenly decide to rain on their parade much like April feared. She’s set to spend the first hour over by the snack table, dealing out baked goods and canned sodas, barely listening to the story blaring into the night on Willingham’s best sound system. Her mind is way more occupied with her latest scheme of sneaking off to see Sterling. 

**April (8:23 pm):** _meet me by the door on the west end at 9._

**Sterling (8:24 pm):** _which way is west???_

**April (8:26 pm):** _the science wing._

**Sterling (8:26 pm):** _got it!!_

The rush for snacks dies down, leaving the next half hour to crawl at an excruciatingly slow speed while April sits in brewing anticipation for her secret meet up. She hates the way her knee bounces, how she sulks every time she checks her phone and it’s only been three minutes, and that her heart actually races when Franklin eventually shows up to replace her at the snack stand. 

April checks the time again. 

8:57

Close enough. She scans the area to plot her escape, searching for anyone who might notice if she’s missing. Ellen is more engrossed in the movie than most students. Ezekiel is in deep conversation with Luke, explaining that subtitles are not the devil’s work. And she last saw Hannah B occupied with Blair, although she can’t verify either girl at the moment. 

The coast is as clear as it’s ever going to be and April heads for the west end door, sneaking through the crowd and disappearing into the dark. Her footsteps quicken as soon as she spots Sterling already waiting for her in the dull gleam of the streetlights, but a voice unexpectedly pulls April to a complete stop. 

“There’s a situation.” 

She turns sharply to Hannah B. “What happened?” 

“Not with the movie.” 

“Then why are you bothering me with it?” 

April glances around the other girl to see Sterling step into the doorway, out of sight, and the moment now feels a little more out of reach. 

“Luke was talking to me before and Blair said he was flirting, but I wasn’t really sure,” she starts, very slowly processing it all out loud. “Then I remembered that you flirted with him once and I wondered what that was like.”

_Uncomfortable_ is April’s first thought. _Nauseating_ is her second. She doesn’t say either of them. 

“Do you want Luke to flirt with you?”

Hannah B shakes her head. “Not really.”

“Who cares then? You’re just wasting my time.”

She sidesteps her friend and rushes for the door before anything else can stop her, finding a giggling Sterling waiting inside.

“You would get held up.”

April rolls her eyes and grabs her wrist to pull her along. “Come on.” 

They wind up in an empty classroom, locking the door behind them and choosing to leave the room dark just in case. The glow from outside streams into the room just enough for April to see a mischievous little smile on Sterling’s face as she hops up onto the teacher’s desk. 

“How long do you think we have?”

April ponders for a second, stepping in between the girl’s bent legs. “Anywhere from five minutes to an hour.”

“I’ll take those odds.” 

The last thing April sees are eyelids fluttering shut before she’s entranced with a kiss, feeling at ease for the first time all day. And she’s well aware of how ridiculous that is considering what they’re doing, where they’re doing it, and the repercussions that would follow should they be caught. But Sterling’s lips begin to trail over her cheek and down to her neck, hands settling on her waist to pull April in for a better angle, and with each kiss a face from the crowd outside vanishes from her mind until only one remains that she just can’t shake. 

April tries to steady herself and clears her throat. “You told Blair about us, right?” 

“I don’t really want to talk about my sister right now.” 

“Believe me, I don’t either,” she says, voice soft and breathy. She would love nothing more than to brush the lingering question aside and just be present, but April persists despite the peppered kisses making her knees weak. “Why does she keep suspiciously staring every time we interact?” 

“She’s probably just trying to get a feel for things,” Sterling mutters nonchalantly against her skin. April isn’t at all satisfied with the answer and nudges the girl back. With one look of her should-be-patented glare, Sterling crumbles into the truth. “She doesn’t think that this is good for me.”

“Why?”

“Really?” Sterling returns with a halfhearted eye roll that makes April take a spiteful step back. 

“What?” 

“We’ve been enemies for so long that she’s never really seen you be nice to me.”

“I’m nice to you,” April weakly objects, eliciting a laugh from the girl in front of her.

“I’m not the one who needs convincing on that.” 

Sterling gently tugs for her to come closer and April doesn’t fight it, letting herself be pulled. She deflects her gaze to the collar of Sterling’s shirt, where her fingers fidget with the material as she murmurs a pathetic, “I told you she hates me.”

Sterling shakes her head. “Blair’s just protective since I kinda went through a lot last year: two breakups, a kidnapping by my secret aunt, who turned out to be my biological mother, meaning that —” April waves a hand to stop her, well aware of how the story goes. “She just wants me to be okay.” 

“Are you?” 

A warm smile spreads across her face. “I will be when you drop this and kiss me.” 

And April doesn’t really need to be told twice. 

They leave the classroom separately. April returns back to the movie first and finds her two friends with ease. Neither of them ask where she was. Ezekiel just lifts the edge of their blanket to silently invite her in, all without ever taking his eyes off the projection. She slides underneath, trying to focus on the movie, which only lasts a few minutes before her eyes start to wander for one person in particular. 

April finds the girl halfway across the lawn and somehow in the crowd Sterling finds her too. They exchange a small smile but then the moment dies as Blair is whacking her sister’s arm and steering her attention away. 

As she shifts back to the screen all April can think about is how she won’t have to be so sneaky next year. She can share a blanket with whomever she pleases and maybe even hold a hand, but for right now April sits in the grass with the thrumming of her secret, still waiting for someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have to get a little more Blair in here. Prepare to meet the Wesley’s in the next chapter.


	6. lost in your current

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little bit longer than usual. Hope you enjoy!

April is a young woman on a mission. 

She’s coming off a dominant Chess tournament victory, her applications are mostly behind her, and she’s breezing through her assignments with an ease that even she finds uncharacteristic. 

Straight A’s are nothing new to her, in fact they’re a norm that she wouldn’t dare slip from, but she hasn’t been driving herself up a wall to get there lately. Her success has taken a lot less blood, sweat, and tears, and while feeding her stress into parked cars, hands, and lips, it’s come in the natural way that she used to hate, because it seemed to only flow this easily towards her former nemesis. 

But now the gates are open and April is soaking in the glory without looking over her shoulder. Simply focusing on the task ahead, she finds the air clearer than ever before. 

Take the chess tournament for example — the game that April skillfully learned from her father at a young age is all about precision and strategy. She didn’t grow up on rounds of Candy Land, or Guess Who, or even simple Checkers. Instead they focused on Monopoly, Scrabble, and Chess (although the occasional game of Clue really spiced up a Saturday afternoon). She beat one boy in the quarterfinal so badly that he cried, which April didn’t even know she could do with a board game. Her cutthroat competitive spirit served her well in debate, but this was a new discovery that she quite liked. 

The only area that is currently lacking her attention is fellowship. She can't seem to tie Sterling down for anything more than a few quick minutes — so today, April is a young woman on a mission. 

Her co-leader has been brushing off their duties all week, stressed over a physics test, and April tried not to let it get under her skin. Sterling has been so patient with her and her regulations for their agreement, but thankfully this is the last time she has a legitimate excuse. The test is today and fellowship is tomorrow, leaving April determined to lock her flighty friend down to actually do some work. 

Her plan is simple: she’s going to grab Sterling’s attention after calculus and very firmly suggest that they get together during lunch (and not in the supply closet). 

The first part goes perfectly. April approaches her at the end of class where Sterling looks pleasantly surprised and she presses about a meet up, purposeful in her delivery to not phrase it as a question. However, Sterling somehow finds a crack to slip through. 

“But it’s french fry day and after what happened last week you won’t let me near the binder with condiments.” 

April remembers the incident quite well. “Fair enough,” she concedes. “After school?”

Sterling nods. 

So she spends lunch with her friends, tuning in and out of the latest gossip, occasionally catching a familiar eye from across the cafeteria, and forced to wait until the end of the day to have a good reason to be seen with Sterling. 

The fellowship room is empty when April arrives. With no sign of her co-leader, she pulls out her binder, flipping to the back where she finds her pre-approved list of themes, and starts to search for a jumping point. Back when April ran the show alone she would print a new list every week to keep the page clean, but Sterling likes to cross out the old ideas to “see the big picture” and April once read that compromise is important in a partnership, so they have a messy sheet already filled with lines. 

It takes a few minutes for the girl to finally appear in the doorway. 

“Hi.” 

“You’re late.” 

“I know. There was a thing in bible study and well, you know how Ellen gets.” Sterling‘s steps are slow and long as she moves into the room. “I was thinking maybe we could work at my house instead.”

“You didn’t mention that before.”

“I kinda thought about it this afternoon — all afternoon really,” she corrects with blushing cheeks. 

April sighs. It’s tempting, but her stuff is already out, she’s already gotten started, and Sterling’s trying to delay them once again. 

“What’s the difference?”

Sterling opens her mouth, but a clamor of hollering comes from the hallway as the boys soccer team goes running by. 

“Privacy.” 

The whole car ride over Sterling insists that she’s ready to work, suggesting that they grab some snacks first so that they can really focus, and after a week of getting a run around from the girl, April believes it. But once they step in the kitchen and she hears Blair watching TV in the next room, she realizes just how foolish that was. 

Sterling gasps. “You’re watching without me? This is just like what happened with _Grey's Anatomy_. You promised we would do it together this time.”

“You’re never gonna let that go, are you?” Blair wonders and Sterling shakes her head. “Well I literally just started. Come sit.”

Sterling takes a reflexive step towards the living room, stops, and turns to April. “One episode?”

She rolls her eyes. “Fine.” 

In an afternoon that was supposed to be spent over a binder and a bible, April ends up on one end of the couch with Sterling sitting between her and Blair, watching some show apparently called _Schitt’s Creek_. 

“Why are they in a motel?”

Blair shakes her head. “You’ve missed too much. Catch up on your own time.” 

With her eyes still locked on the TV, Sterling leans over towards April. “They used to be really rich but then they lost their money,” she whispers, careful not to disturb her sister. “Blair’s favorite is David and I like Alexis.” 

“Good to know.”

The two twins are terribly engrossed in the show. At one point April suspects that she could fire a gun and unless the bullet went through the screen they would never even know. And she does see its appeal, but as the itch to get started on fellowship grows, April begins to wonder if she compromises too easily for Sterling. 

“Come on, we have to work.”

Sterling still doesn’t peel her eyes off the television. “In a minute.”

“It’s a lot to get done.”

“I’m sure she can handle it,” Blair dismisses, equally as nonchalant and absorbed as her sister, “since she is the one who actually earned the position.” 

And that right there is apparently the gunshot to the TV because Sterling immediately breaks focus to glare at Blair, causing the room to get quiet for an uncomfortable amount of time. April tries not to notice. She tries to focus on the show and ignore the strange feeling that creeps in like she’s intruding on a private moment. 

“I liked your food drive idea,” the other twin says suddenly as they come out of their little stare down. “There was a sale on canned soup at the store the other day and we stocked up.”

Sterling smiles, content as she turns back to the TV, like that was just perfectly fitting to the moment before, a subtle transition from Blair. 

April blunders momentarily, holding back a dumbfounded _what the fuck_ and settling for a much more put together, “did I miss something?”

“I got soup.”

“No, I know,” she shakes her head. “I feel like there was just a whole other conversation that I’m not aware of.” 

Sterling shrugs. “I didn’t hear anything.”

Laughter erupts from both twins before April can push any further, now missing both the joke and the point behind the abrupt change. 

“See? Even you think David is funnier.” 

“I never said that. I just laughed at one of his lines.”

“Three.”

“You counted?”

“I wanted to have proof.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Ridiculously right,” Blair argues. “Just admit it. He’s funnier.”

“He’s not.” 

“He is, Sterl.”

The two of them turn sharply to April, who just butted into their little squabble (something she usually likes to avoid). 

Sterling’s eyes are wide with disbelief. “You’ve only seen one episode.”

“And yet she has better taste than you.” Blair leans over Sterling and lowers her voice as if she’s sharing a secret that her sister suddenly won’t hear. “She just thinks Alexis is cute.”

“Well that’s agreeable.”

“I do not!” Sterling objects. A pair of questioning looks break right through her weak defense. “Okay, fine, I do. But she’s also very funny!” She turns to Blair, arms crossed and chin tilted up with a petty-like arrogance. “You just don’t get her. You lack perspective.”

Blair skeptically raises an eyebrow. “You want to tell that to your _girlfriend_ too?”

“Blair!”

“Oh, we’re not —”

“We talked about this!”

“I know, I know,” she groans, fingers rubbing her temples. “I just wanted to see your faces get all red and panicked, but now my ears are literally ringing from how squeaky your voices were. My God.”

“Did I just hear the Lord’s name in vain?”

Debbie Wesley comes walking in the kitchen, arms full with grocery bags. Between the TV and their bickering, none of them so much as heard the front door open. 

She puts her belongings down on the counter and turns to scold her daughter, but the woman’s whole demeanor changes when she finds three girls on her couch instead of the usual two. 

“April?”

“Hi, Mrs. Wesley.”

She’s grinning now, beaming with her best church appropriate charm. “Well I certainly haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yes,” Sterling blurts out, “we’re just working on a project.” 

Blair gives her sister a sarcastic two thumbs up as the end credits roll loudly into yet another episode, debunking her clumsy rebuttal. Debbie doesn’t even bat an eye at it. 

“I’m going to start on dinner,” she says, excusing herself back to the kitchen. “You’re welcome to join us, April.” 

The offer makes Sterling perk up so fast that April finds herself accepting the invitation. 

Dinner with the Wesley’s is surprisingly easy and way more natural than she ever anticipated, largely due to their astounding warm and welcoming nature. Anderson compliments his wife’s cooking and Debbie brushes it off like it’s no big deal, which may be true because April never saw the woman break a sweat, at least not like her mother does. 

“How was everyone’s day?”

Besides their parents sounding genuinely intrigued, the girls give real, full answers, as opposed to the short responses she saves for her father. Sterling mentions the nerve wracking physics test and April realizes she forgot to ask how it went, though before Sterling gets that far Blair chimes in with something she deems as “huge.” It’s an over exaggerated story that April hardly listens to, but the rest of the Wesley family stomachs it quite well, even Sterling, who doesn’t at all seem bothered by her shortened moment. 

“What about you, April?”

She looks up from her plate, mouth full and surprised to find all eyes on her. It takes the nudge of a foot from under the table to push April into motion. “It was good,” she finally answers. “A little busy, which is why we still have fellowship to do.”

“Isn’t that tomorrow?”

Sterling nods. “I was studying a lot this week so we had to push it to today.” 

“Looked to me like you were busy studying the television before.” 

Debbie’s tone isn’t harsh and nobody seems on edge. There’s even a teasing smile on her face that Sterling seems well aware of, simply laughing it off. “I couldn’t let Blair get ahead.” 

“Let's please avoid another _Grey’s Anatomy_ incident,” Anderson playfully begs. 

April is sure that just like every other family the Wesley’s have their fair share of tense moments around a dinner table. There have to be nights where silences are filled with sounds of chewing and forks scraping up against plates, or nights where nobody compliments the cooking even if it took all afternoon. But while at the table on this night, April is having trouble finding any parallels between Stevens family dinners and this one. 

She’s about to dive down the rabbit hole of a post-kidnapping Wesley dinner, imagining how the similarities would shine then, when April feels a hand sneak across her thigh from under the table. 

“April organized the whole thing.”

She tunes back into the conversation at the sound of Sterling saying her name. 

“So you’re the reason I have so much soup in my pantry?” 

“I suppose,” she shrugs, uncertain under the woman’s gaze. 

“Well color me impressed,” Anderson exclaims. “These two have done more service in the last few weeks than in all their seventeen years.” 

“Dad!”

April smiles. “It is the Christian thing to do.”

“And it certainly doesn’t hurt to have on your college apps,” Debbie adds with a wink. 

The hand that had been sitting on her leg slides up until it finds April’s, fingers entwining out of sight from everyone else. The point is for it to be hidden, she’s well aware, but April glances down into her lap at the contact and then over to Sterling, who is already looking at her. 

“Meatloaf,” Blair calls out, successfully pulling them all back into conversation, “not usually my cup of tea but this is pretty good.” 

“Oh, well, thank you.”

Subtly clearly isn’t Blair’s strong suit, nor is it Sterling’s based on how she’s blushing, yet nobody seems too thrown by either occurrence. 

The rest of the meal goes rather smoothly. Conversation flows naturally between the five of them as they all – Blair included – make an effort to rope April into things. The mistake of getting lost in each other only happens the one time for April and Sterling. Neither of them get that distracted again, although April definitely does enjoy the hand in her lap discretely cradling hers. She only lets it go when the room starts to clear and Debbie begins to clean off the table, bringing her own dishes over to the sink. 

“Hey,” Sterling’s voice sounds from behind. Her hand slides casually across April’s waist. “Almost ready for fellowship?”

“I’ve been ready all day,” she returns. Taking a step closer, she plays with the ends of Sterling’s now comfortably untucked shirt. “How was your test? I’m sorry I didn’t ask before.”

“Oh, it was fine,” Sterling shrugs. “You were right about the flashcards. Once I had the formulas down it came pretty easy.”

“What was that?” she quips. 

“Came pretty easy?” Sterling rolls her eyes. “Very funny.”

April laughs. “No, I meant the part where you said I was right.” 

“Of course that’s what you would focus on.”

Their giggling gets cut short when Debbie enters the kitchen once again, causing April to step hastily out of Sterling’s touch to a friendly, platonic distance, but the woman still stops short as if she walked in on something surprising. 

After likely being caught, April wants to busy her hands with anything but Sterling’s clothes and she reaches for the sink in a rushed motion.

“April, you really don’t have to wash your own plate.” 

“It’s the least I can do.”

“Nonsense,” Debbie dismisses. “You’ve been a pleasure and you’ve got work to do.”

“Yes ma’am.” 

April steps awkwardly away from the counter, her heartbeat still erratic from the woman’s entrance. 

Sterling gives her a nudge. “Come on. Let’s go upstairs.” 

She starts to follow the girl out of the kitchen, but catches a narrowed stare from Debbie on the way. A familiar pit weighs at the bass of her stomach as April waits for an accusation or the request that they work downstairs, in sight. And even while bracing herself, she still flinches when the woman does speak up again. 

“No television once you’re up there! I want your work done before the weekend.” 

“I know, mom,” Sterling calls back from the stairs. April exhales a breath of relief. “I’ll be all set for UGA.” 

Her eyebrows furrow at the sudden mention of the school, originally replaying the afternoon for any mention of it, but April instead ends up analyzing their own interactions. _Schitt’s Creek_ , the dinner, and the kitchen run in, all sweep through her mind repetitively until they reach the girl's bedroom. 

Sterling closes the door behind them and it should register to April that they’re alone, but it’s honestly the furthest thing from her mind. 

“You really know how to work a room. They might actually like you more than Blair.” 

She says it lightly with a smile, but April doesn’t laugh. “Did you see that look your mom gave us?”

Sterling shakes her head. “You're very observant of how my family looks at you.” 

“It was like she knew something.” 

“Knew what?”

April crosses her arms. “Sterl, you’re out to your parents. They can probably infer a few things here.”

“Would it be a big deal if they did?”

“Yes!”

“Why?”

April just blinks for a moment, staring back at Sterling like she couldn’t seriously be dumb enough to ask her that question. 

“The only people who know about my sexuality are in this house right now,” Sterling reminds her. She takes a slow step towards April, hands landing on her arms and likely feeling the tension that sits there. “They know I’m not out at school or within our community, so they would never tell anyone about you or us.” 

April takes a second to ponder, wanting to argue, but nothing comes to mind. “I guess that’s true,” she sighs, dropping her hands to her sides. 

“I’m still not going to say anything,” Sterling promises, “but if they infer that’s on them. You know what they say about when you assume.”

She laughs this time. “Yes, I’m well aware.” 

“So are we good?”

April nods. 

With that settled they end up on her bed, strategically placing the binder between them as a barrier. It works, because Sterling doesn’t try anything, she’s actually ready to start. However, April has one more thing to get off her chest. 

“Are you visiting UGA?”

“Yeah, why?” A smug smile forms on Sterling’s face. “Afraid you might miss me?”

“No, I’ll be busy at Vanderbilt this weekend.” April doesn’t take the bait, keeping it literal and that smile clumsily falls. “It’s just…”

“What?”

“You’re better than that,” she blurts, puzzling the girl in front of her. “I know it’s still a great school, and your family went there and Luke is going, but you’re smart and passionate, and you can aim higher if you want to.” As April pauses before a stunned Sterling, her mind starts to catch up to what she just said. “And I’m realizing now that I may be overstepping, so I’m sorry.” 

“You’re not,” Sterling assures her, “and I did aim higher. I’m actually really hoping I get into Columbia. I’ve always wanted to go to New York and they have some really cool programs.” 

“Wait,” April shakes her head, “you applied to Columbia?”

“Don’t sound so surprised. I’m smart and passionate, remember?” Sterling teases, and April feels her cheeks warm. “UGA is just the only school that both Blair and I applied to. We’re all going together for a little family fun.”

“Oh.”

“No need to worry about me.”

“I wasn’t worried,” April rushes to object. 

Sterling bobs her head from side to side, not quite sold. “You kinda were,” she decides, “but it was cute.” 

She leans over their small barrier, eyes closing, only to be disappointed when April turns away. “We have work to do.”

“We’re alone in my bedroom with the door shut and you seriously want to work on fellowship?”

“I don’t _want_ to, but someone procrastinated and now it’s all the time we have.”

“Right,” Sterling cringes. No argument is offered when April first shifts her focus back to the binder, but that silence only lasts until she perks up with an idea.”What if we finish early?”

April scoffs. “If you can actually stay on track long enough to finish early then I am all yours after.” 

“Challenge accepted.” 

She narrows her eyes as Sterling starts to flip through their pages for a new plan, but April’s rare lack of urgency gets the girl to glance back up. 

“What? I want to work,” she insists, shrugging her shoulders as if there isn’t anything in particular motivating her now. Sterling returns very seriously to the task at hand, while April just smiles to herself, overly endeared by Sterling’s thinking face. “Will you be helping anytime soon or are you just gonna sit there and stare at me?”

She says it without even looking up, which makes April’s blush and blunder far less mortifying. 

“No, I’ll help.” 

They finish early.

April doesn’t think she’s ever seen Sterling so focused in her life.


	7. anywhere else is hollow

College is a big deal. Aside from it being where you extend your studies and choose a career path, it’s everything April has dreamed about for years in terms of elevating her potential and finding an escape. The fact that she can almost taste it is beyond thrilling. It sits on the tip of her tongue, teasing her like a craving, but it isn’t quite within reach yet. 

Although she is fairly certain that freedom will be the sweetest thing she could ever imagine, April is patient, because while she’s excited about visiting a new school and looking into her future, she is not at all excited about the long car ride and the overnight hotel stay with her parents. 

That means no hiding from her mother’s watchful eye or escaping John’s bad moods. April will be available entirely at her parents’ mercy this weekend and no matter how bad they get — it especially means no indulging in a Sterling Wesley distraction. 

From the backseat of the car everything is fine. April doesn’t have to look over her shoulder and be so careful with her phone whenever a text comes through, just in case it’s from a certain someone. She also has her headphones in, tuning her parents out as they bicker about the traffic. 

Sterling made _them_ a playlist for their college visit car rides, regardless of April’s being much longer. 

“It’s just a few extra songs,” Sterling shrugged, before adding nearly three more hours of music to the list, all like it was nothing. 

Her phone buzzes yet again, but April had never even put it down. 

**Sterling (10:13 am):** _what song are you up to?_

**April (10:13 am):** _betty. good choice._

“Hey, padawan?” her father interrupts. April meets his gaze in the rearview mirror, pulling out one of her earbuds to offer her attention. “We’re gonna limit the phone time while we’re there. You need to be —”

“Focused. I know.” 

“That’s my girl.” 

Luckily her father is predictable and she already had this conversation with the girl currently blowing up her phone. They reached an understanding that with busy schedules in mind there will probably be less time for them to chat. They also agreed that April would initiate contact, letting Sterling know when it was safe for them to talk. The shared hotel space has loomed dreadfully over her all week and April made that abundantly clear in their discussion. One poorly timed text while she’s in the shower with her phone left out on a nightstand, and this whole thing can blow up in their faces. 

**Sterling (10:15 am):** _YEAH I SHOWED UP AT YOUR PARTY WILL YOU HAVE ME WILL YOU LOVE ME_

April bites the inside of her cheek, trying to hold back a grin as she stares down at her screen. With both of her parents preoccupied, she gives into temptation and sneaks another text. 

**April (10:16 am):** _will you kiss me on the porch in front of all your stupid friends!!_

**Sterling (10:16 am):** _obviously xx_

Shoulders slouch as her smile fades, and April skips the rest of the song. She’s no longer interested in the story of James and Betty, his juvenile affair for the summer, or loud declarations of love. April locks her phone, resorting to the window for entertainment, taking in various streets, shops, and cloud formations overhead until they arrive at the hotel for check-in. 

Her mother has already gone over their one day itinerary twice — once back at the house and once in the car — but as they reach their room she goes through it a third time. 

“We only have a few minutes to unpack and wash up before we have to leave for the school,” she says, turning her attention to her daughter. “Are you sure you don’t want to change?”

April looks down at the perfectly appropriate outfit that she researched and picked out a week ago. “‘I’m sure.”

“Well if you insist,” she shrugs, with no attempt at hiding her frown. “Let me at least get the lint roller.” 

Sunlight flickers through the trees, bouncing off of her face as they drive through the campus. Once April had been lint rolled, poked at, fused over, and somewhat approved, they were back in the car five minutes ahead of schedule. 

The school is bigger than anything she’s used to, but April’s excited to get a little lost in it. She’s thrumming with a nervous energy in a way that she so deeply missed. This was a good type of nervous, not at all like the apprehension she’s gotten used to at home. She revels in it, feeling a lot like her old self before all the secrets, lies, and reveals of junior year. 

Tall brick buildings cast massive shadows down onto the parking lot where the tour is supposed to begin. Two additional families wait with them, talking amongst themselves and April can feel her mother’s stare burning into the side of her head, silently encouraging her to talk with the other kids. She ignores it until a girl in a Vanderbilt t-shirt approaches their small cluster. 

“Are you guys here for the tour?” she asks. The group collectively nods and mumbles an affirmative. “My lecture ran a bit long today, otherwise I would’ve been waiting here for you. I’m Shannon. I’ll be guiding you around our beautiful campus today.” 

Shannon beams with a bubbly expression as she leads them along a path, walking backwards to provide her undivided attention. She’s bursting with an impressive energy for a college student who just got out of a morning class. Her spouts of quick facts are often interrupted with questions or doubt, but she never loses her train of thought, and makes sure to ask her group a little bit about themselves. 

There’s a blonde girl that seems a little too interested in the dorms, even when her parents repeatedly mention that they live within an hour's drive. April can spot a fellow teen itching to get out from under their parents roof from a mile away, but based on her questions this girl will probably decide to rush a sorority and get alcohol poisoning within the first week. For that reason, April steers clear, regardless of the blonde’s seemingly innocent smile that reminds her of Sterling. 

April texts her back.

There’s also a pretentious boy — _Zach_ , she thinks he said — that’s rude to his mother, the only parent here with him, and acts like he knows everything. 

“Vanderbilt was founded in —”

“1873.”

Shannon forces a smile at the sudden interruption. “You did your research.”

“Obviously,” he scoffs.

April rolls her eyes. She took the virtual tour prior to visiting like any self-respecting potential student, but he doesn’t need to be such a dick about it, especially since he was recruited for baseball and not his academics.

John doesn’t seem to mind Zach’s attitude though, given how he nudges April towards him along the narrow walkway. Her stomach knots at the implication and she suddenly becomes very aware of everything she ate this morning.

This is going to be a long day. 

The first stop is a student life building where Shannon passes out pamphlets with all of the university offered majors, minors, and campus clubs, explaining their many different options should they choose to attend the school. 

April’s heart practically jumps into her throat when Shannon mentions their verison of a gay-straight alliance, and it pretty much stops altogether when the girl adds that she’s a member.

“I never understood why they need their own club,” John grumbles from beside her. April tries to swallow the rapid thumping but a firm grip on her shoulder rattles it around even more. “Good thing we’re a family of go-getters. I’m sure you’ll have your alliance up and running in no time.” 

She gives him a forced smile, waiting until he’s satisfied to look around for any lingering glances from anyone who might’ve overheard. Zach and the future sorority girl seem unfazed, and luckily Shannon hasn’t so much as paused to take a breath, let alone notice muttered conversation.

“Alright, let’s keep it moving! We have a lot of ground to cover.” 

Her phone buzzes with what April assumes is a response from Sterling. She slows her steps, feigning interest in her surroundings until she’s faded safely into the back of the pack and the device buzzes again. 

**Sterling (2:23 pm):** _ughhh this is so boring omg_

**Sterling (2:24 pm):** _how’s yours going?_

**April (2:25 pm):** _it’s okay so far._

She starts to type a _miss you_ text, but deletes it when she sees the three little dots appear on Sterling’s side of the screen. It probably would’ve been a little desperate to send it anyway. She just saw the girl yesterday for Christ sake. 

**Sterling (2:25 pm):** _miss you and your lips!_

April’s body relaxes. 

**April (2:26 pm):** _the feeling is mutual._

The mahogany interior and leather furniture of the older buildings around campus remind her of Willingham’s fellowship room. It’s a weird feeling, teetering along a line of comforting and haunting, and April can’t decide if it’s a reminder she wants to carry with her for the next four years. Thoughts of her past, locked doors, and secrets. Thoughts of ranted declarations, bold moves, and rushed kisses. Thoughts of hiding, lying, and flirting with the wrong boy. It’s not exactly the escape she had planned. 

The recent additions follow a much more modern design. There's a massive science building with large windows lining the sides, allowing sunlight to blast through onto the potted leafy plants frequently placed throughout the halls. It looks sharp and fresh, much more like the clean slate she was looking for. 

Regardless of when the buildings were constructed, all of the important ones have large atriums at the entrance, built up with tall structures to support high ceilings — still hardly fitting Zach’s ego through the door. As April stands on the ground floor of the library, she looks straight up to count the floors above, feeling awfully small in the vast space. 

“We have student-meet areas scattered all around. They’re perfect for group projects,” Shannon explains, pointing to small private rooms and cubicle enclosed tables. “There’s also a cafe on the second floor. So if you’re pulling an all nighter during finals season you can grab yourself a coffee and a snack.” 

They walk quietly past busy students, buried in books and hard at work, much like April was every night last year. She spent many hours in a library that she wished was as grand as this one, occupying her time with any excuse not to go home. It’s the first time all day that April can say for certain that she sees a place for herself here and that, she decides, is an exciting thought. 

The creaking of a door echo’s through yet another room with a tremendously high ceiling, bouncing off the tile floors and the wooden pews lining the front. Stained glass windows accent the walls, not nearly as extravagant in design as her church back home, but instead minimalist enough to be non-denominational. 

“I know a library might seem like a weird place for a chapel,” Shannon starts, a smile budding on her lips, “but sometimes all you can do is pray you pass.” 

The comment elicits laughter from most of the group, April included, although she’s never been that desperate for a grade. John, however, isn’t amused. 

Throughout the tour her father has been as stoic as ever. He doesn’t ask a single question or pay much mind to their guide’s commentary, only occasionally talking to April or the other families, especially Zach’s mom. It’s been uncomfortable to say the least, watching her own mother squirm at the way he exits a tense moment with a facade of kindness towards a stranger. 

The blonde girl perks up when they reach an array of housing reserved for Greek life, and April pats herself on the back for her accurate observation. Shannon of course sells sororities and frats as a volunteer opportunity as well as an easy way to make friends, but April still finds her own community outreach much more impressive even when the tour guide tip-toes around their rowdy weekend adventures. 

“There’s another chapel just over there.” Shannon points down the road and April rolls her eyes at the sight of a cross up ahead. Students can party the night before and pray for forgiveness on their morning-after walk of shame — how wonderful. 

“Just south from here is the women’s center and the office for LGBTQ+ student life,” she says, pointing now in another direction. “Should you find yourself here as a confused freshman with loads of questions, feel free to look for me at any time. I never really take myself off the clock and actually volunteer in that office on most days.”

April wants to be happy with that information. She wants her heart to soar over the fact that they actually have resources for queer students, unlike any place she’s ever attended, but it’s crushing when John repeatedly grimaces as their tour guide mentions her involvement with campus inclusivity. 

Maybe April should just stick to virtual tours by herself, because while the non academic side of things is of interest to her, she can’t stand hearing it in front of her father. 

Shannon’s continued speech and Zach’s two cents become nothing but background noise while April tries to convince herself that the online glimpse is almost as informative as the real thing, and that she’s smart enough to fill in the blanks alone. 

It isn’t until they catch a moment to break that April refocuses, excusing herself to the bathroom. She enters quickly, checking under the stalls to ensure that she’s alone, and unlocks her phone with shaking hands. A little too worked up and needing to calm down, she dials Sterling. 

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing,” she lies, voice cracking at an abnormally high pitch. “I just had a minute and wanted to see how things were going.” 

“Blair swore that she wasn’t basic and that I would end up here, but now she’s buying a hoodie while I’m waiting by the car.”

April starts to smile. “Sounds about right.”

“What about you? How’s Vanderbilt?”

Sterling sounds almost concerned with her rushed pair of questions, although April never actually gave her a reason to be. 

“Pretty good,” she tries, running a hand along the back of her neck before letting out a short sigh. “I don’t know how I feel about it.” 

“Did they show you where they have graduation?”

“No, why?”

“Well if you stand in that spot and can’t picture yourself giving a valedictorian or class president speech, you’re probably wasting your time.” 

April feels herself grinning now and makes the mistake of looking up at the mirror above the sink. The sight of pink cheeks leaves her clearing her throat for what she hopes is a composed response. “You make a great point.” 

“Oh! Finally,” Sterling exclaims. For a moment April thinks it’s because of how she conceded. “They’re coming out of the store. I gotta run, but we’ll talk later? If you’re up to it, of course.”

“Sure, Sterling.” 

April rejoins the group outside, feeling much lighter than she did a moment ago. She walks right past her parents to the front of the pack with one question in mind. 

“Where do you host graduation?”

Shannon smiles. “Someone has their eye on the prize.”

The outdoor greenery exudes a warmth fitting to the Nashville temperature, where a perfectly trimmed lawn sits in front of a grand building, basking in the sunshine. April can picture it all so clearly — a stage and rows of chairs, filled with black caps and gowns. She can hear the cheering of a crowd as hats are thrown into the air. And she can feel an excitement brewing inside of her at the possibilities. 

Both of her parents are surprisingly busy talking to Zach’s mother so April figures, _what the hell_ , and snaps a quick selfie. Someone should hear about this. 

**April (3:34 pm):** _graduation with a view!!_

**Sterling (3:35 pm):** _wowww_

**Sterling (3:35 pm):** _now i miss your face too :(_

As they reach their last stop of the day, Shannon has to project her voice over the bustling of students and a clamor of dishes echoing through the dining hall. 

It looks neat and clean, and there seem to be healthy options. Fruit bowls sit around a few different stations, although April highly doubts any of the produce is actually fresh. She’s read plenty of reviews on the internet to know that campus food is rarely high quality. 

“Part of living here also means eating here, so please enjoy a Vanderbilt meal before you leave us today.” 

“I’m a grown man,” she hears John mumble to her mother, “I am not eating cafeteria food.” 

“But April might want —”

“April has good taste,” he says, louder this time and clapping a hand onto his daughters back. “I’m sure she prefers a restaurant too.” 

April only nods, watching as the blonde girl wraps up a conversation with their tour guide. 

“Just give me a minute.” 

She excuses herself from her parents and slowly approaches Shannon, who immediately plasters on her tour guide smile. “What can I do for you?” 

“I just wanted to thank you for the tour,” April says politely as her eyes glance over Shannon’s shoulder to her distracted parents. “It was very...informative.”

“Well you were a pleasure,” Shannon praises, “unlike that other kid. God, he hardly let me finish a sentence.”

“Some people feel a need to overcompensate,” she returns, rolling her eyes in agreement. “I guess he couldn’t find the line between confidence and arrogance.” 

“Well please pass him the number of whoever was keeping you occupied and quiet.” 

April blushes, first at the surprise of being caught and second at what sits on the tip of her tongue. “I think I’ll keep her to myself.”

Shannon’s eyebrow quirks every so slightly before her face remembers it’s supposed to be neutral. 

“Good luck with everything.”

The backseat of the car is April’s last chance. Her phone has been out and unlocked in her hand for — she watches the clock change again — four minutes now. 

April is buzzing with nerves. Did she just tell a stranger that she spent the day talking to a girl? Did she heavily imply being involved with that girl? Did this person also imply not being straight throughout the day? Yes, yes, and yes. 

She’s well aware that the odds of her ever seeing Shannon again are slim, yet there’s still a wondering just eating away at her. A cruel game of _what if_ plays through her head — if her parents overheard, if they run into their tour guide tonight and she mentions it, if somehow this all backfires right in front of her — and yet part of April is debating putting it in writing, not even three feet from her parents, because she knows Sterling will tell her that everything is fine. In fact the girl will probably be ecstatic over it. 

However, after ruminating, April decides against sending the confession. Some things are just too big, too serious, and too risky for their secret little fling. 

**April (4:43 pm):** _i’m getting dinner with my parents and then going to the hotel for the night._

**Sterling (4:44 pm):** _okayyy so we’ll talk tomorrow?_

**April (4:45 pm):** _i think that would be best._

**Sterling (4:46 pm):** _good night then!!_

**April (4:47 pm):** _i’m not saying good night to you before it’s even 5._

**Sterling (4:48 pm):** _sooo after 5???_

She tries not to smile. 

**April (4:48 pm):** _bye sterl_

April comfortably locks her phone and puts it away, knowing another message won’t be coming in. They talked about this and with her lack of argument just now, Sterling clearly had listened. 

Pretty much as soon as they arrive at the restaurant her mother excuses herself to the bathroom, leaving April and her father alone at the table. 

Over the last year April has become a master in the art of avoidance, especially when it comes to her family. Late nights studying, late nights claiming to be studying but really hanging out with Sterling, working on her extracurriculars, or in this case staring at her menu as if she didn’t decide what to order five minutes ago — have basically been her saving grace. 

The Stevens family never quite made the adjustment to John coming home. Things had been rigid even with his attempt to be better. That effort, however, slowly fizzled out, leaving them with this new norm that nobody wants to acknowledge as any different from the past. 

They still watch Star Wars together and still try to pretend that they’re enjoying it, but sitting in silence is easy — they don’t bother with the hard stuff anymore. He used to take April out for ice cream, or dinner, or sometimes both, and they used to talk for hours. Now they have trouble stringing together sentences about anything other than the weather. 

“Nice day today.”

“Yeah,” she agrees, “very sunny.” 

Luckily their waiter interrupts before April has to push this any further, taking her order, her menu, and her easy distraction. 

“So what did we think of the school?” 

There’s a quiet pause after her mother’s question. April waits, sitting in the tension and wanting her father to go first. If he absolutely hates the school because of what their tour guide implied about herself, April can’t sit here and say she liked it. 

“I, for one, thought it was a very nice looking campus.” The woman answers her own question, unable to deal with the silence. “And there was a very nice looking boy on the tour as well.”

“He was rude,” April mutters, surprising herself in actually saying it out loud. “He kept interrupting.” 

“He was clearly very smart,” John praises, “and probably just trying to show off in front of some nice girls.” 

April restrains herself from scoffing. She is not at all surprised by her father’s defense of this boy's behavior, but she does find it rather unsettling. 

“It’s a great school,” he continues, reaching his hand across the table for hers. April’s already queasy stomach knots even tighter. “You should be proud.” 

“I am.”

John pretends not to be bothered by how she retracts her hand as if it had been burnt. He pretends to not notice, smiling as the waiter offers him a refill, but his smiles don’t quite reach his eyes anymore. Whether he just isn’t as good of an actor as he used to be, or if something in him has really shifted, April isn’t sure and she doesn’t ask. 

His pats on the back are just about all the affection she can stomach. If he puts an arm around her she almost always finds a way to step out of it, and the extremely rare occasion of a hug is almost an unbearable amount of contact. Anytime his hands come anywhere near her it just reminds April of that woman, the motel, and the violence that this kind touch is capable of. 

She perks up momentarily at the sight of food on its way to their table. Despite her small appetite, April is desperately craving another distraction. 

That flicker of hope doesn’t last more than a second. 

“I asked for this without mushrooms.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry sir,” the waiter quickly apologizes. “I’ll get you another one.” 

Her father shakes his head. “Forget it. Send them all back.”

“John!” 

“We’ll find somewhere else to go.”

Nobody criticizes his ridiculous over reaction. Nobody tells him to sit back down and wait for a new meal while his wife and daughter eat. Nobody tells him to suck it up and just pick off the fucking mushrooms. 

April wishes she was at all surprised by his tantrum, or the way her mother just goes with him, or how even she follows them after lending the waiter an apologetic look. 

His temper has always been short, it was nothing new, but lately he feels as if something has been taken from him and that it’s owed back. The small sliver of life that he lost while (rightfully) in jail seems to be anyone’s fault but his own, which is why April has to be extra careful with her phone and the girl she frequently texts. 

Some things are just off limits within her family. Girls are one of those things. But the very girl who arrested her father is a line that April over a year ago never would’ve imagined she’d cross.


	8. show me the places where the others gave you scars

“Alright, we’re heading out,” her mother announces as she throws on her coat. 

“We shouldn’t be gone too long,” John assures her, but April wouldn’t care if they were. She simply offers a goodbye and a smile as polite and innocent as she can muster until they’re out the door. 

April peers from the living room window as headlights drift down the driveway and then disappear into the night, officially leaving her home alone, and kicking her four step plan into gear.

The first of the steps is arguably the most important. Her parents are going to a church event tonight and should only be gone for about two hours. She would hate to get carried away, act carelessly, and lose track of time. That would surely be a disaster. 

So April sets an alarm on her phone to interrupt when her self assured safe block of time comes to a close. 

The second step is easy and only requires that she text Sterling. 

**April (7:30pm):** _all clear. come when you’re out of work._

They had loosely discussed this earlier today after a sneaky lunch break in the back of the Volt had seemed to be too short, leaving April with the rest of the school day to plot out their next little scheme. In what was supposed to be a quick moment before returning to class, they’re kisses were slow, they’re touches were tender, and the bell was ringing before either of them were anywhere near ready for it. 

April is normally very focused and productive with her spare minutes, but something about Sterling throws her off her game, making her want to take her time and get caught up in a moment. It’s an odd behavior that she doesn’t dare to unpack — at least not right now when they’re literally on a timer. 

Which brings her to the more intricate step three, where April searches her father’s office to confirm her latest suspicions, all while she waits for Sterling to arrive. For a brief second that only reminds her of the usual efficiency that she lacked this afternoon. 

It’s a rarity that April is home at a time when both of her parents are out. There always seems to be a watchful eye hovering over her shoulder. Even now the crucifix on her fathers wall seems to be shaming her as she correctly guesses his computer password. She pushes shame aside though, trying the same password for his email and finds that it goes through again. 

April is careful not to open anything he hasn’t already read. She has to be in and out without a trace if this is going to work. 

And she hasn’t actually thought it through. April knows what she’s looking for and how to find it, but she has no plan of action once the information is found. She merely hopes that knowing the truth is enough. 

There will be no more guessing, no more secrets, and no more lies from her father. She won’t have to doubt her instincts whenever they have a sweet moment that feels like old times. She won’t have to ward off the guilt she’s riddled with after brushing off his efforts. She will simply know for herself and if that eases her conscience then April will consider this a win. 

John has a business trip this weekend and her mother has been dragging him off to church on more than just their regular Sunday occasion. She’s trying to guilt him or guide him — April isn’t really sure if there’s a difference this time — into doing the right thing and honoring his vows while out of town. 

If the man has learned from his past mistakes then this last stitch effort from her mother won’t be necessary. However, if he hasn’t changed as much as he’s claimed to, then this latest attempt won’t make a difference at all. 

As April scrolls along his inbox, carefully skimming the subject lines, she finds exactly what she’s looking for, and although it was expected, her blood boils when she reads through his booking confirmation. 

Her father is disregarding their Marriott points to stay in some two star motel and she unfortunately knows exactly why he’s doing it. 

_Old habits die hard_ , she supposes. 

The doorbell rings before she can dive any deeper, initiating the final step (April’s personal favorite) where she gets to kiss the girl waiting on her front porch. 

But step four, though it required the least planning, goes awry when April opens the door and finds Sterling with a deep purple bruise under her eye. 

“What happened?” 

Her hand rushes to the girl’s cheek, lightly grazing the discolored skin. 

Sterling forces an awkward laugh. “Work related incident. I got jabbed with an elbow.” 

“Did you ice it?”

“Kind of,” she guesses. “I held Blair’s froyo cup to my face while she ate out of it.” 

April sighs and takes Sterling by the hand. “Come on,” she says, tugging her inside. 

Unfortunately April doesn’t have any actual ice packs in her freezer and the ones in the first aid kit are all expired, so she offers Sterling a bag of frozen peas and the girl takes it happily, icing her face at the kitchen table while April sits across from her. 

“Where are your parents?”

“They’re at one of Pastor Booth’s holy nights.”

“They do this every week and we’re just sneaking in now?” 

“No,” April laughs, but her smile quickly fades as she remembers what she found in John’s office. “My dad has a business trip coming up. I think my mom wants to remind him to stay on the path this time. But surprise, surprise, he’s staying in a seedy motel, and you definitely know what that means.” 

April lets out a frustrated huff before realizing she brought up the one topic they have been deliberately avoiding since the school year started. 

Her dad has come up on rare occasions. Sterling's job has loosely been mentioned here and there as well. But they’ve always danced around that point in the middle where those two things intersect, creating the very moment where Sterling’s work resulted in April’s dad going to jail and her life turning upside down, the many moments after where lying had ensued, and the single moment of shock when the crushing reveal came from her father of all people. 

“He told you last year, right?”

April looks up. “How did you know that?”

“I know we weren’t friends by any means, but you wouldn’t even look at me anymore.” 

Sterling doesn’t duck her head in shame or even break eye contact. She faces April with a timid stare that April finds hard to break or lie to. 

“I was angry.”

“And now?”

April hesitates. “I have other things to worry about,” she decides casually, sitting up straighter, “like you ruining your pretty face for one.” 

“You’re not into the whole banged up look?”

“Don’t make a habit of it.” 

Her teasing doesn’t get the reaction that April anticipated. There is no laugh, or smile, or blush from the other girl. They’re still stuck with this weight that she desperately wants to shy away from. 

“April?” Sterling gently pushes. She looks up again, holding her breath while she waits for the hammer to drop. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” 

April shakes her head. “I don’t really want to talk about it. The past is the past, right?” 

But Sterling isn’t so quick to brush it off. “Are you sure?”

“You’ve forgiven me, haven’t you?” April tilts her head, waiting for Sterling to nod. She does. “Then I’m sure.” 

Even with that decided something still hangs over them. April can see it in the way Sterling sulks into the back of her chair, spine folding over from a certain loaded pressure. She can hear it in the way that she sighs, while her one exposed eye looks off towards literally anything else — the drapes, the refrigerator magnets, the wooden display of the last supper that hangs above the sink. April can feel it in her bones as she waits for Sterling to say whatever is on her mind, knowing that a witty remark won’t hit like it usually does. 

“I know my bruise might say otherwise, but I’m actually pretty good at this job,” she starts, slowly letting it out. “It’s fun, and intense, and I just get such a rush from doing it. Even when it’s dangerous, I still feel safe because it’s the thing that basically saved my life last year.”

April furrows her eyebrows, but doesn’t say anything to interrupt. She knows Sterling will continue if she wants to. 

“I left a clue for my sister at a rest stop on the highway — over drafting our account at a vending machine, leaving a trail of sour patch kids, and writing notes on the bathroom stall with my lip gloss — it’s how they found me,” she explains, and it doesn’t take any specifics for April to figure out exactly what night she’s talking about. “I wouldn’t have known how to do that without this job.” 

“So you’re good?” April questions, wondering where the point of her story lies, and hoping that this isn’t some long winded plea for forgiveness over her dishonesty. 

“I guess,” Sterling says, rather modest as always. She then points to her injury. “My mind was just preoccupied tonight. I didn’t get into Columbia.” 

April’s tension selfishly subsides at the realization that this isn’t some attempt at excusing her past behavior. No longer on the defense, she reaches across the table for Sterling’s hand, hoping she finds all the right things to say. “I’m sorry, Sterl.”

She shrugs it off dismissively, “I’ll just go to UGA with all the other passionless people, it’s fine.” 

If April didn’t know her so well, she would let it go. She’d simply allow the girl to brush it off and awkwardly make conversation until they decided to just kiss already in order to avoid the subject. But Sterling is actually upset and April knows from experience that a good distraction can be of service. 

“Can I trust you with a secret?”

Sterling takes the frozen peas off her face just to make a point of rolling her eyes. “Obviously.”

“I took the SAT’s twice.”

It takes a second for her words to register. 

“No. Way.”

“Way,” she confirms, smiling at the way Sterling’s jaw drops. “You don’t always land near perfection on your first try, even if it’s what your dad tells the whole congregation.”

“Wow.” Sterling, while a little dumbfounded, starts to perk up. “Any other tricks up your sleeve, Stevens?”

April ponders for a second, trying to come up with something really good. “I’ll deny it if you tell her, but Blair is actually very funny.”

“You like Blair?” she gasps, and April nearly laughs. 

“Like is a strong word. I’ve learned to tolerate her company.” 

Blue eyes gleam from the other side of the table as a smile now shines off of Sterling’s face. “What else?”

“I hate bible study,” she blurts easily, much to Sterling’s surprise. “It’s the worst class. We’ve studied that book a hundred times and people still ask the same stupid questions.”

“But that’s where we like... _bonded_.” 

“More like where you threw yourself at me.”

“Hey, I had a crush and cannot be held responsible for any of my actions.”

They’re both laughing now as if this whole night had been filled with casual smiles and easy conversation, but this time it’s April who lets it slip into something softer. 

“When did you go from hating me to liking me?”

“Oh, you think I like you?”

April playfully whacks her arm. “Sterling!” she whines. It slips out with a desperation that she isn’t used to, leaving April with a weird taste in her mouth. 

Sterling doesn’t falter or even bat an eye at it. “Well, I never hated you. That was more your department,” 

The pang of guilt that April expects to be struck with never comes. She doesn’t jump right into regretting their past. Instead something else flutters in her chest at the thought of Sterling never quite despising her in the way that she assumed. 

“After the debate tournament I kinda had my first orgasm thinking about you — and by kinda, I mean definitely.” 

April shakes her head, blinking rapidly. There is no chance in hell she heard _that_ correctly. 

But a deep blush rushes to Sterling’s cheeks as she confirms, “turns out a firm grab and some yelling really does it for me.” 

Now April usually prides herself at being quick on her feet, but this takes her a second to process and maybe picture, though she shuts that off when her face starts to warm. 

“So Luke never…” she begins, her voice trailing off when Sterling shakes her head. April sits up taller. “I’m honored.”

“Don’t let it go to your head.”

“No promises.” 

Her smirk doesn’t fluster the girl in front of her at all like it usually does, because Sterling, once again, dips into sincerity. 

“Thank you.”

“For the orgasm?”

“No,” she exclaims with a joyous laugh. “For all that. I forgot I was even sad for a minute.”

April smiles as she leans forward in her seat. “Mission accomplished then.” 

She kisses Sterling’s forehead, feeling ice chilled skin beneath her lips, and absolutely hates when the moment comes to a jarring stop at the sound of her alarm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanted to get another update in since the last one took so long. thanks for reading!


	9. wherever you stray, I follow

“Alive and in person — what do we think?” Sterling asks holding up the bake sale flyer she made last night.

“It’s cute.”

“Cute?” she grimaces. “That can’t be good.”

“Sterling, it’s fine.”

Sterling crinkles her nose, dissatisfied, and looks over the paper another time. “It’s the pink isn’t it?”

April hesitates for a second before nodding her head. “Yeah,” she exhales. 

They had texted back and forth last night, Sterling sending April a few different versions of her Adobe crafted flyer. Debate ensued over the font color — April wanted blue, Sterling wanted pink, and somehow, someway, Sterling won. Although now, April regrets caving so easily, seeing as the baby pink writing, mixed with the clip art is a little too playful and borderline infantile for what she was hoping for. 

“I thought it would be cute.”

“That’s exactly what I said it was,” she weakly argues. Her smile at Sterling’s puppy-like pout takes all the edge off. 

“Yeah, but with you that’s code for childish, or messy, or whatever Hannah B is wearing.” 

“Wow,” April chuckles, “remind me to never call you cute.” 

Sterling fakes a gasp. “You wouldn’t dare.” 

In an effort to conceal the warmth rushing to her cheeks as a few straggling students pass them by, April ducks her head to search her backpack for a paper of her own. She tacks the sheet into the bulletin board, running her finger down the list of assigned pairs to table the bake sale, when Sterling groans from beside her. 

“Darren Boggs?” 

“Is that a problem?”

“Couldn’t you have put me with Blair or something?” she wonders. April is shaking her head before Sterling even finishes the question. 

“She actually works quite well with Hannah B and you two are a disaster together.” 

Sterling opens her mouth to argue, but all that comes out is frustrated whine as she moves a few feet down the hall to hang another flyer. 

April follows her. “It’s just an hour, Sterl.” 

“I know,” she sighs, still sulking when she jabs a thumbtack into the wall, “and you’re not entirely wrong about Blair, but why couldn’t we at least be together?” 

“We’ve been together the last three times,” April reminds her. “If we don’t want to be suspected we have to change it up.” 

“I hate it when you’re right.” 

April grins. “I don’t.” 

She walks with Sterling through the quiet hallway, pointing out areas for her to hang the flyers, well aware that the girl could handle it on her own. April simply wants to tag along, and if her being in charge makes them look less suspicious, then so be it. Sterling certainly doesn’t object. 

They manage to stay on task — both nearly experts at it now — not talking about anything other than their clubs and their classes, faking an appropriate level of professionalism until the last sign is hung halfway into the period. 

“So is this a work lunch, or a supply closet lunch, or —” she blushes, “a backseat lunch?”

“Well my work for the day is done,” April ponders aloud, “but I am kinda hungry. I was thinking I’d just go to the cafeteria.” 

Sterling does her thing where she tries not to smile, which almost always fails. “Okay,” she says, strangely content for someone being turned down. 

By the time they get to the cafeteria, it’s buzzing with student activity. They each spot their own separate tables with their own separate friends, knowing that it’s time to go their separate ways. April’s about to bid Sterling a polite farewell, but Sterling speaks up before she gets the chance. 

“If you’re done with all your work, you could totally come by for dinner again.” 

April quirks an eyebrow at Sterling’s forced nonchalance, but the girl avoids eye contact to keep her cool facade. 

“You want me to come?” 

“My mom really liked having you. She thinks you’re a good influence.” 

“Ah,” she returns, not at all buying that this has anything to do with Mrs. Wesley, “and what did Blair say about that?” 

There’s a tug at the corner of Sterling’s mouth as a pink hue runs along her cheeks. “Something about you influencing my _downstairs area_.” 

Neither of them bother to stifle their laughter, letting it come easy even in a public setting. The hard part is trying to ignore the two pairs of eyes staring at her when April eventually reaches her table. Without so much as offering a greeting, she takes her seat, focuses on her food, and hopes her cold shoulder is enough to keep them at bay. 

Ezekiel decides to be brave. “What was going on there?”

April looks up to find a questioning stare — the one he frequently wears when cracking the latest gossip — and although she’s fairly certain she knows what he’s referring to, April is firm in playing dumb. “What are you talking about?”

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with the blonde twin lately.” 

“We’re fellowship co-leaders,” she returns harshly, “and it’s been just as torturous as it sounds, thank you very much.”

“Didn’t seem so torturous when you were giggling at whatever she said.”

April scoffs. “I don’t giggle.” 

“Sure.” 

His voice drips with doubt and as if his smirk didn’t make her skin crawl enough on its own, Ezekiel also narrows his gaze — going for the full gut-wrenching trifecta of skeptical mannerisms. 

“I posted the bake sale pairings on the bulletin board,” she announces in an attempt to stumble out of this conversation. Hannah B perks up at the sound of a task, but Ezekiel just rests his chin on his hand, still eyeing her closely.

“And are you partnered with your terrible co-leader yet again?”

“No, I’m actually stuck with you,” she quips, wiping the smug look right off his face.

But Ezekiel never takes a loss with his tail between his legs, always recovering equally as unbothered as he was before. “Luke will be devastated.” 

“Yes,” she agrees, “but it certainly is an upgrade for you.” 

He shrugs it off with ease. “Once I got him trained he was fine. You just need to keep him occupied with small tasks and never laugh at one of his impressions. He spent the whole day very poorly in character after I made that mistake.” 

“Yoda again?”

Ezekiel rolls his eyes. “Worse. Chewbacca.” 

“How did that —"

He puts a hand up. “I’ve blocked it out.” 

Somehow April survives lunch and the rest of her classes, making it to the Wesley’s after school just like she promised. She does it all without entering a state of panic over her close call, largely attributing that small victory to Sterling’s Spanish class presentation, her effervescent fellowship charm, and her long winded passenger seat ramble in the car on their way over. 

It’s strange for April to be this distracted from something that would’ve nearly paralyzed her a year ago, but as they walk into the living room and Blair calls her sister “tasteless” for not enjoying their latest binge series, she finds that the static cuts out. 

She also finds that Ezekiel was right — she does giggle, which would be an embarrassing discovery if it weren’t for the reason why. However, when confronted with blinking eyes, an easy smile, and fingers toying gently with her own, it’s hard not to let all of her self-control go out the window. 

“Do you have to canoodle where I’m trying to watch TV?”

“You don’t want to hang out with us?” Sterling asks, sounding genuinely hurt at the possibility. 

Her sister grimaces. “Not really.”

“Rude!” 

The twins are teetering on the edge of one of their weird fights that they refuse to call a fight — “ _We bicker with love,_ ” Blair informed her a few weeks ago — and April decides to change the subject before they reach that point. 

“Hey,” she says softly, giving Sterling a nudge and quickly grabbing her attention. “Wanna hear what Ezekiel told me about Lorna?”

“She’s hooking up with Chance Colton,” Blair calls out as if it’s old news. Technically it is, but the latest development is brand new. 

“True,” April confirms, “but she also has a boy from another school and they know nothing about each other.” 

The TV pauses and April now has the attention of two girls instead of her usual one. “Please continue.” 

“I thought you were watching your show?” 

Blair waves a dismissive hand. “Eh, it’s not that good.” 

They never do make it back to the TV show and it turns out April’s presence for dinner was unannounced. Anderson seems more surprised by it than Debbie, who simply throws an extra place setting on the table without batting an eye. 

Regardless of how close Sterling stands by her side in the kitchen or the fact that their hands have brushed several times, April doesn’t feel at all exposed until the girl excuses herself to the bathroom, and she’s suddenly alone with the family. 

“Hey mom,” Blair starts and April senses trouble just based on her smile. “April introduced me to a _wonderful_ idea today. I can’t believe I never thought of it.”

“What’s that dear?”

“I can easily shop around and date two guys at once if they both go to different schools.” 

Debbie’s eyes widen and April rushes to insert herself. “I did not advise that.” 

“I didn’t think so.”

“Technicalities,” Blair scoffs. “She basically spoon fed it to me.” 

But Debbie doesn’t hear another word about it. “Why don’t you go grab your father from the garage and we can talk about this later?” she suggests, kindly shutting her daughter down. 

Like a revolving door, as one twin leaves, the other luckily enters, and April thanks God for her return. She immediately exhales the worry of entertaining conversation with an observant mother and steps into Sterling’s space as if a magnet dragged her there. 

“What’d I miss?”

“I almost got my good influence card revoked,” April tells her in a whisper. “Blair told your mom that I said she should date two guys at once like Lorna.” 

“Doubt she believed that,” Sterling chuckles, rummaging through the refrigerator for a drink. “You couldn’t be a bad influence even if you tried.”

It’s muttered so casually that it almost goes right over her head. Sterling, who is typically the epitome of all things good, doesn’t think that April can be bad even after everything that’s happened between them. The mere thought would’ve pissed April off nearly any other year, firm in her stance as a ruthless leader and sworn enemy of all things Wesley, but now there’s an odd comfort to having someone see her for more than her rough edges. 

“Ugh, we only have unsweetened iced tea,” Sterling mumbles, leaning out of the fridge with a frown. “But you like that, right?”

April nods and a glass is pulled from the cabinet for her. 

“Sterling,” Debbie warns, watching her daughter with a painfully forced smile. “We usually use the nicer cups for guests.”

She shrugs, “I already started pouring.” 

“Well at least put some ice in it.” 

“She doesn’t like when it gets watered down, mom,” Sterling answers matter-of-factly and only mildly annoyed with her mother’s input.

April’s eyebrows furrow. She mentioned it once (she thinks) but it couldn’t have been recent. 

Her trip down memory lane is interrupted when Sterling steps in front of her, glass full and in hand. “Here you go,” she smiles.

April forgoes a “thank you” and presses a quick kiss to her cheek, simply because she _wants_ to, and her eyes don’t even wander the room first to check if Debbie Wesley is too preoccupied to notice. Based on how Sterling’s cheeks flush right after, April would bet there was a somewhat attentive audience, but when she turns to look the woman seems to purposely act like she didn’t see a thing. 

The way that their family interacts around a dinner table is still the same, though that doesn’t come as a surprise. Also the same is how the two of them hold hands under the table, though they’re not nearly as discreet as they were the last time. Sterling stares dreamily at April every time she talks, so much so that when Blair tries to get her attention all the girl can muster is a dazed “huh?” — nobody mentions it though. 

Finally when all is said and done, Sterling pulls out the age-old homework excuse as a way to get April upstairs and alone. It normally works like a charm, but this time they don’t make it very far before Debbie calls out, “I want that door open, Sterling.” 

The two of them freeze halfway up the stairs, fingers loosely entwined, and still somehow shocked that they’ve been found out. Even more shocking, April’s heart doesn’t race in the alarm of being caught, nor do her shoulders sulk with disappointment at their newest rule. 

And Sterling tries to find it. She searches April’s eyes momentarily for some sliver of anxiety but when she doesn’t see anything, she just lets out a frustrated huff. 

“Okay, mom.” 

Out of habit they almost close the door behind them, but Sterling stops just short to pull it back open, smiling at her mistake. 

“I don’t know if I should hate you for blowing our cover or if I should be proud.” 

April considers it for a moment. “Be proud,” she decides, “because I kind of hate it.”

“Why?” Sterling frowns, taking an attentive step closer. 

Her nerves are prominent until April takes her hand, lowering her voice to say, “I didn’t actually bring any homework.” 

“Well,” she laughs, “we’ll find something for you to do that isn’t me.” 

For the second time today, they keep a professional distance. Sterling sits comfortably at the edge of her bed, reciting her Spanish vocabulary for April, who sits at her desk, critiquing her pronunciation almost every time. April can’t quite put her finger on why it’s different. She knows she just blew their poorly kept secret to a family whose dynamic is still a little too delicate for confrontation. But something about this space between them doesn’t feel as forced as it did this afternoon, even if the opened door is the only reason why they aren’t occupied with each other instead of their latest verb conjugations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we’re nearing the end here, which means if there were to be any drama it would probably happen soon…


	10. begging for you to take my hand

Sunlight no longer creeps through the windows of the fellowship room, warming the wood with a golden glow. They shifted into night about an hour ago, the Georgia sky finally going dark after a long day, and April, while hyper focused on the task at hand, hasn’t noticed anyone in the hallway since it changed. 

She’s no stranger to being the last one standing. Countless group study sessions or meetings for events have ended the same way. Some of her peers may look for an excuse to go home, but April revels in the lack of distraction that a late night brings, pushing through the slow build of hunger in a race to finish before she totally tires herself out. 

Her co-leader, on the other hand, can’t relate. 

Sterling is clearly in need of a break, though she hasn’t yet dared to ask. April can see it in the way she keeps zoning out whenever they talk about their lesson plans. She always apologizes of course, insisting that she’s not bored, just a little tired, and it makes sense considering they’ve been so busy this week. 

The last few days have been dedicated to planning for tomorrow's bake sale with April taking the lead and Sterling trailing at a safe distance to offer a helping hand every step of the way. On top of that they have a Spanish project due, a calculus test, and they’ve both been prepping for an upcoming debate tournament, which she knows leaves Sterling antsy for a few reasons. 

All that aside, neither of them seem to be finding any down time at night, regardless of how much they get done by day. April just turned in a paper this morning that kept her at the library until the lights in the place went out, and yet she woke up to a missed text from Sterling, apparently still on a ridiculous stakeout well after midnight. 

So despite their need to tackle fellowship, April is trying to be understanding of the fact that not everyone works like she does. Some people get burnt out, some people get overwhelmed, but keeping that in mind is harder than she thought. Especially since the issue could be so easily resolved if Sterling just liked coffee. 

A loud clack sounds as Ellen’s office door swings open and the woman comes barreling out with her arms loaded. Apparently she’s swamped as well. 

“Can you girls lock up for me? I don’t mind y’all staying to work, but I’ve got to get home and walk the dog before _Wheel of Fortune_ comes on.” 

“Of course,” Sterling beams with a smile. “That’s must watch TV right there.” 

“I know,” she agrees, wide-eyed with excitement as April stifles a laugh at Sterling’s sarcastic undertone. “If I didn’t love teaching so much, I’d want Vanna’s job.” 

“Oh, you would be great at that.” 

“Thank you.” Ellen smiles at the two of them for a moment too long. “Alright, I’m off,” she says like she just snapped out of a daze. She clumsily leaves her keys on the table in front of them while juggling a thick stack of papers. “Good luck ladies.”

April simply returns to her notes, ready to get back to work, but the leather of the couch loudly shifts when she’s only about a sentence into her reading. Sterling leans forward, glancing around her to stare down the hallway, and April just knows something is brewing in her mind. 

“Hey,” Sterling whispers, nudging April with her elbow. “We’re alone.”

“Nice observation,” she quips without looking up from her binder. “I’m starting to think you oversold your skills as a bounty hunter.” 

Sterling fakes a laugh. “Very funny,” she returns and the room goes quiet for all of three seconds before she presses again, “April?”

Her shoulders sulk over another interruption, posture deflating with a long sigh. April briefly abandons her work to see what’s going on, but when her questioning stare is answered with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle, she drops her pen. “You can’t be serious.” 

“Oh, but I am,” Sterling nods, a little too proudly. “We haven’t spent non-work related time together since you were at my house, and even that was questionable with the whole open door thing.” 

“We’ve been busy.”

“I’m aware,” she agrees, “but after this you’re gonna have to go home to bake and I have no excuse to see you tomorrow since you partnered me with Darren Boggs.” 

April ignores the way that Sterling grimaces at the mention of her unfortunate partner. “So what are you suggesting exactly?”

“Just that we seize the opportunity. Capitalize on the circumstances. Whatever you want to call it.” 

She hates that she actually thinks about it. “We’re gonna get caught.”

“By who?”

“There’s windows.”

Sterling rolls her eyes. “Luke and I once had sex on this couch. I promise it’s fine.”

“That does not help.”

“Well maybe this will.” 

Sterling kisses her before she can even object, and while that is a great opening argument, April still turns away at her first chance to breathe. She shifts her attention back to the binder, thinking her cold shoulder will put a stop to any other hard to ignore advances. However, another kiss lands on her cheek, and then on her neck, and April is suddenly having trouble remembering why this is a bad idea. 

“Sterling,” she half-heartedly objects, a little breathier than intended. April tries to keep her eyes focused on the page in front of her, but her head subconsciously tilts to the side, creating more room. She would kick herself if she could, but the satisfaction is already written all over Sterling’s face, given how she smiles against her skin. 

April can do this. She can read bible quotes and enjoy the girl kissing her neck. She can prepare a lesson on restraint while also feeling a want build up inside her. It’s duality. It’s multitasking at its finest. It’s — it’s being interrupted.

“Sterling,” she says, more firmly this time, as the shadow in the doorway finally registers in her mind and she pushes the oblivious girl off. 

“Hey,” Sterling whines at the sudden force, but with more than an inch between them her eyes land on their massive problem. Immediately the pout is wiped off her face and replaced with a look of shock, landing her on the same wave of panic as April. 

“I forgot my fig newtons.” 

Ellen, awkward as ever, shuffles past them and into her office, likely for the snack, but April doesn’t stick around long enough to find out. 

Fresh air hits her face once the door bursts open, rushing into her nose with each ragged breath. She’s not proud of how she just bolted, but there didn’t seem to be a better, less terrifying option. 

April’s feet carry her quickly through the parking lot, mind racing from one question to the next. How much trouble are they in? Who will Ellen have to tell? Can she switch schools and pretend like this never happened? 

She finally slows when her eyes land on the one car left in the student lot — the Volt. 

Sterling’s little silver car sits alone under the dull glow of the streetlights, surrounded by dark and empty parking spaces, bringing April’s escape plan to a halt. There were no footsteps clamoring down the hallway after her, no creak of the door opening a second time, and as April turns around now there is no sign of Sterling coming from behind at all. With nowhere else to go, she comes to a complete stop, knowing now that all she can do is wait. 

The minutes feel like hours, but the school doors eventually open again. April hears the sound first, perking up to see Sterling shuffling out alone with both of their belongings slung over her shoulder. She tries to get a read on whether she is going to be relieved or plummeted into despair in a few excruciatingly long seconds, but Sterling keeps her head down, and April remains on edge. 

They don’t make eye contact until she gets close to the car and Sterling puts her hands up as if this were a calm surrender. “I talked to her. We’re fine. You’re safe.”

But April doesn’t buy it. She played out too many scenarios while waiting and none of them were that easy. “We could get detention or probably even suspended considering we’re both girls and _that’s_ frowned upon.”

“April.”

“We could lose our positions. The whole school will be reeling in theories before we even get to lunch tomorrow, and you just know Lorna’s gonna come up with something juicy.” 

“April, hang on.” 

“Ellen could tell our parents,” she says as if it’s really dawning on her for the first time now. “Sterl, if my dad finds out —”

“She’s not going to say anything,” Sterling interrupts before April can spiral any further. “We’re not even in trouble — well not really. We’re not allowed in there unsupervised.”

“Sterling!”

“Could’ve been worse?” she tries, shrugging her shoulders in a last stitch effort to make this all seem okay. 

April hesitates. She guesses that it’s true. It definitely could have been a lot worse. “You’re sure she’s not going to say anything?”

“She promised,” Sterling confirms, certain that her trust is in the right place. “And she was actually very supportive. Not about what we were doing on her couch of course, but of us in general. You probably would’ve liked it once you calmed down. Believe me, my ears were ringing for at least the first minute.” 

April looks down. In the moment an urge to escape just came flooding over her, so much so that the fear of staying overpowered the shame of running away. “I guess we learned something about my fight or flight instincts today,” she tries, but her voice is flat and it doesn’t hit for either of them. “I’m sorry I left you there.”

“Don’t be,” Sterling dismisses with ease. “I’m sorry I pushed.”

“Well I wasn’t exactly saying no,” April reminds her, remembering how close she came to being convinced, nearly allowing herself to be a little rebellious, and equally being at fault for it. 

“Yeah?” she wonders, leaning in again, but April’s hand presses against her chest to stop her. 

“Definitely not happening now.”

“Got it,” she agrees, awkwardly stepping back. “Makes sense.” 

April hears the TV pause as soon as the front door shuts behind her. When she turns the corner and steps into view, John is on the edge of his seat and his face unexpectedly lights up. 

“Hey,” he greets, voice tired and scratchy. It’s enough for April to piece together that her mother isn’t home and they probably had a fight. “What took you so long? I thought you had to bake tonight.”

“I do,” she answers, trying to sound as confident as possible and not at all like someone who’s life just flashed before their eyes twenty minutes ago. “Got a little held up with fellowship.” 

His smile fades. “It’s really terrible that you have to work with that girl after everything she put us through.” 

“ _Yes, because Sterling was the one who beat up a prostitute,_ ” she thinks to herself, but April doesn’t dare say that out loud. Instead she just nods, which is apparently enough for her father. 

“You’ve sealed your place in heaven just for putting up with her.” 

April laughs nervously. “Yeah, I guess it has some perks,” she says before disappearing into the kitchen. 

Normally, for her, cooking is like a sport. Step by step recipes, precise measurements, timers — it’s well-structured fun. Only this time April’s not in the mood. Her focus is much too skewed for it. 

She rehashes the afternoon and how foolish she was. She could’ve said no. She could’ve stopped it. Sterling would’ve respected that without a doubt, but April didn’t do anything and they got caught. 

And Sterling was right earlier — it really could’ve been worse. In fact it could’ve been a nightmare. She was so ready for it to be that even now when everything is realistically okay, April’s still walking around like the ground might give out. 

If it had been anyone but Ellen they would likely be in a very different situation. Her parents would know, they’d have some sort of consequence at school, their classmates would find out, and, oh yeah, her parents would fucking _know_. 

That brief little smile that John gave her when she walked in the door, the one that only grew on his face even when he paused the TV to say hello, wouldn’t exist. She’d probably never see it again. They would never joke around. He would never uncomfortably show her any affection. Everything about her family, even the parts she hates, would change. And that wasn’t part of the plan.

They’re not supposed to know about her. They’re not supposed to know about her sexuality, her secrets, her involvement with Sterling — the girl who turned her father in. They’re not supposed to know anything other than the carefully crafted front she’s spent years building up. 

The smell of burnt dough fills her nose, snapping April out of her wallowing. She rushes to the oven, so disconnected that she almost forgets to cover her hand, retracting just in time before the heat becomes too much. 

When she does finally get the cookies out, disaster strikes again. The bottoms are practically black from being over cooked and they will for sure be hard as a rock in the next five minutes, leaving them basically inedible come tomorrow. 

April runs a frustrated hand through her hair as she stands over her ruined batch of cookies, weighing out her options for the bake sale. They’re not salvageable by any means and at the rate she’s going, a second attempt wouldn’t be any better. 

When did cooking become hard? It has rules. All they have to do is follow the steps and the rest will work itself out. When did this thing that was supposed to be fun turn into such an irreversible mess? She has too much on her plate for serious, too exhausted from her other tasks for anything other than a light distraction. This was supposed to be the easy part of her day and right now it just feels too big. 

So April decides to call it a night, dumping the batch in the garbage. She sets her alarm earlier than normal just so she can arrive at school with a shameful store bought baked good before anyone else can catch her. 

Throughout bible study she doesn’t make eye contact with Ellen once. April spends the whole class praying that the woman won’t ask her to stay after and is overcome with relief when she doesn’t. Ellen simply offers a smile and a “ _have a great day,_ ” sending April off to her next class somehow unscathed.

With every whisper in the hallway she strains to hear what it’s about, always temporarily worrying that Ellen told someone or that maybe she wasn’t the only person who saw them. It lasts throughout her first couple of classes, hanging over her head like an anvil waiting to drop, and making it hard to focus on anything else. 

But then calculus comes and they have a test, and April would be damned if she ever let herself screw up something like this over a personal matter. She gets it together, like she always does, pushing fear aside and letting the work serve as a distraction. 

The next few periods roll just like that. She engrosses herself in an assignment, dives head first into her work, and let’s everything else fade into the back of her mind to be neatly tucked away. It feels strangely like junior year. 

After lunch April pretends to be listening to Ezekiel while he talks, but truthfully every word just blurs into the added noise of the hallway. She’s scanning for one person in particular, who should have just finished their shift at the bake sale. 

“Did you hear me?”

“Not at all,” she says dismissively. “I’ll see you later.”

Ezekiel stammers through some sort of a return but she doesn’t bother to listen to that either. Instead April just zeroes in on a group of girls up ahead, spotting one with shiny blonde hair, and leaving him behind. 

“Sterling.”

She perks up at the sound of her name, turning away from her conversation to where April stands. “Something about fellowship?” she pretends.

April nods. “Walk with me.” 

Sterling immediately follows, standing shoulder to shoulder with her as they walk down the hallway. Once they’re a safe distance away from lingering ears, April breaks the silence. “How’d it go?”

“Weird,” she grumbles. “He asked me out.”

“What did you tell him?”

Sterling sputters, eyes blinking and brows furrowed, yet all she mutters is a confused, “Huh?”

April smiles. “Simple question, Sterl.” 

“I told him no, obviously.”

“Why obviously?” she wonders, tilting her head to the side and apparently confusing Sterling even more. 

“Because we…” She doesn’t finish that sentence. Instead Sterling looks around, finding the hallway scarce. She grabs April by the arm and with a sharp tug, yanks her into the supply closet. “What the heck!” she exclaims as the door shuts behind them. 

“What? I’m trying to be supportive.”

“Why would you be supportive of this?” Sterling figures out the answer for herself before April gets the chance to speak. “Because of Ellen.” 

She hesitates, hating how quickly Sterling figured it out and feeling like she lost upper hand already. “Yes, and,” April sighs, “we also agreed this wasn’t serious.” 

“My mom knows!” 

“And you’ve literally explained to me why that’s different,” she reminds her in a hushed voice. “If we’re just hanging out then —”

“We’re not _just_ anything, April,” Sterling interjects, no longer shrill or hyper emotional. If anything she sounds a little tired and irritated. “We don’t just sneak around and make out in my car anymore. We take each other places, and we talk, and you come to my house to have dinner with my family.” 

“Listen, Sterl —”

But Sterling doesn’t wait. She doesn’t want to be told. “You know, Blair called you my girlfriend again the other day and I didn’t even correct her,” she says, voice flat and damning. “Until now I didn’t think I was wrong for that.” 

It stings, though April doesn’t dare show that. Instead she swallows the lump threatening to build in her throat, and presses on with what needs to be said — the reminder that this was at one point what they agreed on. 

“I’m so close to being done and getting away from my father, and this town, and this school without anything tying me back here.”

“So I’m just nothing?”

She shakes her head. “I didn’t say that.” 

“Tell me what happens then,” Sterling challenges, still not giving April a moment to answer for herself. “We do this for the school year, maybe even the summer, and then you’re just gone?” 

April looks away. That was originally the plan but it sure sounds terrible when she hears it out loud. 

“And that isn’t going to hurt you at all?”

“I didn’t say that either,” she snaps. 

“Well say _something_ ,” Sterling exclaims in a desperate plea and April is getting pretty damn tired of her pushing, of her asking her these questions and not letting her answer, of her putting words in her mouth and making assumptions. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” 

April raises her voice but it cracks, and the expression on Sterling’s face softens in return. Her eyes are no longer narrowed, forehead no longer creased, and a smile peeks through where her lips were tight a moment ago. 

“I want you to say that you have feelings for me and that this isn’t just some time waster while you’re waiting to get out of here.”

“Sterling —”

“Because I miss you when you’re gone, and I think about you before I fall asleep at night, and I get excited to come to school even though I spend half the day wondering how to get you alone,” she rattles off with ease. Sterling might not have stopped to take a breath but at some point her hands landed on April’s cheeks, gentle and steadying, better than any argument either of them could make. “So let’s just call it what it is, okay?” 

It’s tempting. It’s _really_ tempting. Small spaces between them always pull her in harder and Sterling’s unwavering optimism is too tough to fight when April so badly wants to believe in it.

The bell startles her enough to pull her out of the moment. 

“We have class.” April steps back, taking Sterling’s hands off of her face. “I have to go.”

“April, come on.”

She moves towards the door, hearing Sterling call her name one last time before it shuts, and April is plastering on a brave face in the chaos of a crowded hallway alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> picture Ellen on wheel of fortune and you’ll feel a lot better. final chapter soon.


	11. one prize I’d cheat to win

April has already snapped at Ezekiel twice and they’ve only been at the bake sale table for fifteen minutes. 

The first time it was because he wondered where the store bought cookies came from and she didn’t have a scapegoat prepared. For the second time, he asked why she was checking the clock so frequently and April told him it was because she didn’t want to sit with him for even one extra minute. 

Truthfully she just wants this day to be over after her supply closet confrontation with Sterling went awry, but Ezekiel seems to have taken the obvious hint, muttering something about a mouse trap and they’ve both been quiet ever since. 

Oddly enough there’s a part of her that is itching for him to ask if something is wrong, although she hasn’t given him a single good reason to take that risk. As crazy as it sounds April thinks she might actually tell him the truth if he did. She’s spent the last three periods telling herself she did nothing wrong, then shaming herself for how she went about it, and then sulking over the simple fact that the girl she cares about is hurt once again because of her. So a second opinion might be warranted. 

“Can I talk to you about something?” she asks before she’s even fully committed to having this conversation. 

“Sure,” he shrugs. “I’d rather not sit in silence.”

But April doesn’t say anything, still undecided and weighing out the possibilities of how this all could go. Her impulsive behavior almost got her in trouble last night and is the very reason why she’s in this situation now, so April isn’t too quick to jump into complete honesty. However, caution aside, she’s almost positive he would understand her situation or at the very least her need for discretion. 

“Um, hello,” Ezekiel interjects, waving a hand to get her attention. “This is where you talk.”

“It’s about Sterling.” 

And now she’s apparently decided. 

“What about her?” 

April looks over just briefly, but it’s enough to catch his smile and the way he wiggles his eyebrows. There’s something teasing about it that catches on her pride and makes her turn away. 

“Never mind.” 

“Wait,” he rushes. Before April can totally recoil, Ezekiel takes a deep breath. “We both know what we’re talking about.” 

She keeps her eyes steady on the courtyard, partially because she wants to be certain that no one is close enough to overhear, and partially because they’ve never actually acknowledged this thing that bonds them and she’s not sure if she can do it while looking him in the eye. 

“I think she’s upset.”

_“Think?”_ he laughs. “That girl has been walking around all afternoon like someone killed her dog. You’re telling me it was you?”

“I guess,” she mutters a little confused with the analogy. “I didn’t actually hurt Chloe though.”

A student approaches the table and April is quick to press pause on their conversation, seamlessly switching from friend with a problem to club president with a customer. 

“Chloe?” Ezekiel mouths. 

She rolls her eyes before plastering on a fake smile for the girl who just bought one of her despicable cookies. “Thank you for your contribution.”

The moment she leaves, the energy shifts at the table. Silence sets in between them and April returns to carefully watching people pass, waiting for Ezekiel to break it if he cares to dive deeper. 

“So what happened?”

“It got complicated.” 

“Who wanted more?” Ezekiel asks, understanding more than he let on. 

April glances over at him like it should be obvious. “Who do you think?”

“She did.” 

“Yep.” Another student approaches the table and April switches gears once again. “One dollar please.”

“So what did you want?”

“It’s not about want,” she says, making change for a five dollar bill. “You know that.” 

This time Ezekiel stays quiet, waiting until the boy walks away to speak again. “Straight A’s, a growing pile of acceptance letters, fellowship co-leader, chess club vice president, forensics captain, founder and president of —”

“I have an impressive list of credentials. I’m aware,” she interrupts just as he nears the end. “What’s your point?”

“You’re more than capable of having it all.” 

His words sit with her for the rest of their shift and the remaining few of her afternoon of classes. 

April has never considered herself incapable of anything. She was always the hardest working, most ambitious, and strong-willed of all her classmates. Her drive for success flowed through her bloodstream with an intensity that often went unmatched. And yet somewhere along the way that must’ve changed. 

Her fear has never been misplaced. That is for certain. She knows now better than ever who her father truly is and why some things will just have to wait, but April has never been one to let opportunity go to waste — unless she counts what happened at the lock in last year. Then maybe she’s someone who lets one thing go to waste. 

As her focus honed in on the future and the aftermath of high school, she blocked out past heartbreaks, arrests, reveals, and anything that could stand in her way. She pushed aside her feelings, wants, and desires, sheltering them in a safe place where they could hopefully be opened at another time. 

April always thought college would be that time. 

To her it meant being in a city far away, where no one had any pre-existing expectations for her, and she could be whoever she wanted. It was oddly optimistic and fairytale-like for her usual mindset, but she let herself indulge, taking the small taste of freedom that she got from Sterling and craving the whole thing for a later date. 

She wanted to spend time out in public instead of in backseats. She wanted the pictures in her camera roll to feature on her Instagram. She wanted dinners around the corner instead of in the next town over. And she wanted to have a simple conversation without the need to feign project partners as an excuse. 

However, having the whole thing would likely mean not coming home. Which leads April to her current predicament, because not coming home means not seeing Sterling, and that makes her once smooth road to a sweet escape feel a little too bumpy for her liking. 

With that in mind April wipes her hands on her uniform pants to get the sweat off, inhaling deeply. She holds that breath, rattling a firm knock at the Wesley’s front door, and huffing it out when Blair answers, looking equally as unimpressed by who she encountered on the other side. 

“Stevens,” she greets curtly, crossing her arms. 

“Is Sterling home?”

“She might be,” Blair supposes, definitely withholding the truth. “Who should I say is here? Her co-leader, her nemesis, her occasional hook up pal —”

“Her girlfriend.”

“My what?” 

Sterling stumbles into view, socks sliding on the wood floor as she skids to a stop in front of the foyer. As it turns out, she is home, and apparently she was listening closely.

“Hey,” April says, voice soft and small. She lets herself in, stepping past Blair like she isn’t even there. 

“Hi.”

It’s short, but sweet, and there’s a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, causing April’s prepared words to temporarily shift to the back of her mind at the realization that Sterling is _happy_ to see her. 

Blair clears her throat before she can get too caught up in that, not so subtly reminding April that she’s here with a purpose and in front of a small audience. 

“Can we talk?”

Sterling nods. “Come on.” 

She follows her towards the stairs, leaving the other twin behind by what may be a still opened front door. 

“Hey,” Blair exclaims, calling after them. “You’re just gonna tell me everything later. Why can’t I listen?” 

This time the walk to Sterling’s bedroom feels different. There’s no homework to be done or homework to pretend to do. There’s no excitement or relief in a rare moment alone. There’s just nerves and uncertainty, because while April knows what she came to say, she doesn’t know how receptive Sterling will be after what happened today. 

The door clicks shut, spinning April around in surprise at the sound. 

“My parents aren’t home yet,” Sterling explains in regard to the broken rule, “and Blair really will listen if we give her the opportunity.” 

“Oh, I believe it.”

Although they both smile, a silence sets in that weighs heavy with anticipation. There’s an unusual gap between them, standing in the middle of the floor. Their typical pull now pushing because of what sits in the center. Sterling shies away from prolonged eye contact, and while it is expected, it forces April to speak first. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she returns, because of course Sterling is that forgiving. “You were perfectly clear at the beginning of all this. I just thought things had changed.”

April steps in. “They did change,” she says, taking Sterling’s hands and watching as a smile forms on her face. 

“Yeah?”

She nods. “Yeah.” 

Finally, April does the one thing she wanted to do last night and all afternoon today — she kisses her. April may have pushed Sterling off in the fellowship room and pushed her away in the supply closet, but really this was what she would’ve preferred. Without the worry of a possible interruption buzzing around her head, she gets a little lost in a soft, slow kiss, relishing in the hopeful feeling that it brings.

“Just so I know,” Sterling starts when their lips break, “how much has it changed?”

And maybe April is just high on the rush of coming over and working things out, but she doesn’t hesitate to say, “I love you.”

Sterling blinks in evident surprise as blush runs across her cheeks, likely matching the shade that April already wears. “Well that sounds pretty serious.” 

She nods again, mind already running away with their updated situation. “We’ll need new rules.”

“Obviously.” 

Sterling’s agreement is only half teasing, mostly leaning towards sincere. April moves to side step around her, intending to sit on the bed, but a hand tugs her back before she gets too far. 

“I love you too,” Sterling blurts, gently adding, “in case you didn’t already know.”

“I had a feeling,” April smiles, kissing her once more. “You’re whole speech in the supply closet pretty much spelled it out.” 

“Too much?”

She rolls her eyes. “Do you know who you’re talking to? I’m like the queen of too much.”

But Sterling shakes her head, slipping into something more tender. “Not for me.” 

It's easy, and freeing, and magnificent to sit with Sterling, even secretly tucked away in her room, to talk seriously about their feelings with no need to filter or hide since everything had already been laid out there a moment ago. 

“I’m still not…”

“Coming out?” Sterling wonders, finishing the sentence for her. April nods. “Yeah, duh.” 

“And that’s okay?”

“It’s fine with me if it’s fine with you.” 

April is a little astonished at how she shrugs it off, because last year it wasn’t that simple. Last year it was new, and rushed, and they got so caught up in each other that the ending abruptly shattered whatever they were on the brink of. 

Now it’s different. It’s still a new territory, moving into something more official, and it feels a bit messy given how much every has shifted in the last few hours, but regardless of the inkling of future uncertainty, April has never been more willing to change a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story did not go exactly as i originally planned (which is very on theme tbh) but it was fun and i hope you enjoyed it too. thank you to everyone who read along and for all of your wonderfully supportive comments.


End file.
